Regrets :Monster

"Are you doing it right?"

"Are you living your life?"

"Take a look at everything you're doing."

"Will you do it all over again?"

"Are you happy with it?"

"Sometimes all you need is 30 seconds."

"Just thirty seconds to remember the fact that you will never get the same breathe twice."

"Live it, don't look back."

"One day, you'll look back. Be proud of yourself. Don't regret it." 

Batu Caves, Malaysia :Conversation with an Uncle.

Little Message to my Nephew

We're 29 years old apart.

One day you might scroll, or check my blog post and might be reading this. 

Remember, life is a blessing for few, a curse for many. 

It's not a pessimistic tone but a hard reality. 

Someone, something going to hurt you, will make your life hard. 

Many to hurt you, few to encourage you. That's humans.

Sinful proud beings.

At the same times, someone out there, a complete stranger will reminds you that life is worth living. 

Keep them with you, ignore the rest. 

Environment will constantly insist comparison with others. 

There  will be someone better than you in many different aspects of life but no one can be you. That's your GIFT. 

Reading a CT Brain

"Why this patient is still here? We suppose to discharge him today right?" the surgeon asked.

"Neurosurgeon from HSB said the CT brain shows evidence that the bleeding is worsening, so they wanted to keep him for another 5 days and repeat another ct brain."

"Show me the latest ct film," my surgeon asked.

I always felt that even thought he is a surgeon in traumatic ward, his knowledge of reading radiological film is far more better than anyone in the hospital.

"Look at the film, can you tell me the volume of the bleeding in his brain?" he questioned.

I was in a mourning silence for a moment.

"Do you know how to calculate the volume?" he added another question. 

"I have an idea," I answered. 

"How many slices are the in the old film?" 

"6 in a row," I said. 

"The latest one?" 

"5," I said after observing the film which I didn't do previously. 

"If we magnify the image, do you think the size might visually appears big even though it's the same?" the surgeon asked. 

It make sense I thought and nodded. 

I continued, "I asked the neurosurgeon but he said, if you don't know how to read, go to the radiology department and ask them." 

"See, this is how they teach," the surgeon sighed to my ward Mo.

"So what you felt?" he continued. 

I looked at him for a moment.

"Like.. I'm... stupid," I whispered. 

He smiled. 

"See, how I see the film and how he saw it seems totally different right, even though it's the same film.Our perspection about ourselves is the kinda same. How you felt about you self might be wrong.Change it." 

In the mid of an Appendicectomy

"This isn't just a normal appendicitis. It felt like an appendicular mass,or maybe a perforated appendix. So better we go in by midline laparotomy, not Lanz incision,"the surgeon said.

Both of us looked at the surgeon with a blur look and nodded.

" His muscles are still very tight, can you giving a little bit more muscle relaxant ?"the surgeon ask  the anesth MO.

" Sure,"she said.

In the mid of ths surgery, the surgeon asked," Thiva, what you gona do after you complete your housemanship? "

" Don't know boss. Maybe will go into surgical or ortho, "my friend who is the second assistant answered.

" You? "surgeon looked at me.

" I want to be on Forbes magazine, "I answered without thinking for a second.

" That's too ambitious man. Then you can't  stuck here in medical field right? "

I smiled.

" One day I'm going to read your article then. All the best man,"the surgeon said with an encouraging tone.

" I doubt it doctor. There's only seven months left for me to be 30.Certain dream will remain as a dream, forever. "

He looked at me and smile.

" In seven months, a lot of things can happen. Certain dreams came particularly to us for a reason. It meant for us. Believe it. If you can see it in ur mind, if you have the courage enough to speak it, it will definitely happen. "

Starting Back

"Seeing you after so long. What happened?"

He made a gentle tap over my right shoulder.

I smiled without saying anything.

"Drifted, maybe, as usual,"I kept it short.

" I know that feeling, "he sighed and continued," When you go away for a long time, you return as a different person. You never come all the way back. "

I don't really understand why he was saying that but it's a sentence with a deep meaning.

It's not about losing weight and muscles. In any situations, if you went far, it's hard to return back like before. Sometimes it's helpful, sometimes it's regretful. 

The only way to make a worthy journey is to finish what you started.

My First Patient In Trauma Ward

I still remember the day when I first met him.

His story started 10 years ago with a small motorbike accident.

When I saw his 10 years old history 

with multiple surgeries to fix his intestinal bleeding, my first thought was,' I'm done'.

New ward, three surgeons, I'm definitely won't be able to remember every shit and they gona screw me for this. 

"Don't worry, I'm here for quite a long time. They knew my case well. They won't ask much." 

I stopped flipping his report and looked at him. 

"Did he heard my mind voice?" I questioned myself with a surprised look. 

He smiled. 

"That's what everyone felt when they saw me for the first time." 

He answered my voiceless question again. 

From that day onwards, he was not just a patient but a friend as well. 

Each time during dressing, I can literally touch his intestines because it was such a big open wound with his peristalsis visible to my naked eyes. 

Weeks later.

" Bro, what is the first thing you wanted to do once you're well and out from here?" I asked him. 

"Get a job and repair my room tiles," he answered with a sense of discomfort. 

His vacuum dressing was partially soaked. 

"I already informed my wound team MO. Today he will come and change the dressing,okay?"I tried to make him feel better. 

" And I wanted to buy a new phone for my sister, "he uttered slowly. 

I can sensed that he really wished to live a normal life like us. 

" God didn't bring you this far to leave you. Everything will be fine soon , "I shared the quote that my consultant shared in her WhatsApp status that morning. 

I was believing that the quote was true for sometime. 

Today he's no more. 

But he made me realized something.

Each soul crosses our path for a reason. Either for their growth or to make us grow.