Mistake as a Doctor :Listen to Others but Act According to Your Heart. .

 When I first started, I can't even take a patient's blood properly.

I can't insert a branula properly. Initially, most of the time I failed.

With time and experiences, I can sensed that I became better. Doesn't matter how difficult, by hook or by crook, I will insert the branula nor take the blood.

The only time I failed nowadays is when I listened to others opinion, ignores what my mind saying and get distracted with other's voices. 

Today there's was a hemato patient that requires branula. He is on chemo so the smallest size will do but other two houseman already poked him 5 times.

It's like breaking a person's trust five time which means I can never try more than once. Doesn't matter how difficult it is, when I really find for the veins, I always ended up with two options. Two sites that you know that it's guaranteed either one will work. Here's where your luck play its part. Multifactors can causes a failed insertion. When they called me for this kind of situation, I know it's only one time attempt.

Moment before insertion, I don't know if that nerd is a first poster or super senior, but he's just annoying. I don't know if he's smart or just a nerd that burden mo's for every small shit. If I'm an Mo, I wish i would never work with house officer like that.

"Hemato Mo said if can't get more than three times, inform Mo,"he said.

" Then why the fuck you both poked him 5 times, "I thought. 

I just kept quiet and opening the blue colour sterile branula. 

 Inserted and there's back flow, I removed the needle and tried to push it inside. I just can't stop the blood from flowing out through the branula despite how much pressure I gave, so i just wanted to insert quickly and secure it. 

"Did you release the tourniquet?" Nerd asked. 

'Just do it on your term or open it because he's seeing?' A confusion came in. 

I picked the second, tried to open the tourniquet with another hand, branula moved, and it's gona. I can't flush in the water through the branula and the patient felt pain ;means it's came out from vein and settled  in the dermis layer. 

I just wasted everything. 

For 3 minutes I sat at the corner and was thinking about it. 

'Why you didn't follow your heart?' 

'Why?' 

'You was good and you messed up because of other's opinion.' 

I learnt that medical is a team work. Almost all the jobs out there is a team work. You works better in a team but always, ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR HEART. 

You can take people's opinions but decision must be always your ;according to you heart. 

As a Doctor, Prioritize Yourself First

 

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"If you constantly compromise things in your life, how will you ever realize your full potential?" he asked.

He is one of the person that I really admire during my surgical posting.Surgical was like a family for me and I don't really know why I had that feeling. Soon to be a surgeon, he handle everything in a very calm manner.

I wondered how he could do that;always, never failed once. 

One day I asked him.

" Life will screw you in many ways,"that was his first response.

My first posting was partially surgical based as well. Suddenly, you have to enter OT. Training hard a day prior, can't eat during the day are a bad combo in an OT setting especially when you are handling an obese patient. Your muscles lacking the essential sleep and nutrition bombarded with the stress thinking when they will scold you, that's another deadly combo.

During my first  few weeks, I have been chased out from OT because my muscles eventually fatigued retracting a lady's thick fat abdomen with a BMI of 48.2;starving for a sip of water. 

Hence I stopped gym. 

Months later, I met him and he told me something precious. 

"Remember, before you take care of some one, you take care of yourself because you're always replaceable. Doesn't matter how good you work, there will be someone better and smarter than you. Always prioritize yourself. 

It's not selfish, it's just taking care of you. "

I didn't expect it from him. I thought he would say the same as others, patient comes first bla2.. 

" A well educated looking guy with an acknowledgement that he's having HIV will smile to you. Don't believe anyone, wear your gloves before you take his blood,"he said. 

Whenever I experienced it myself, I believed that, he said it from his experiences. 

Always take care of your self. Do what you love and what is good for you. 

How to Find Your Peace

 

"Make peace of your mind first," he said while looking at the waves.

"Happiness come in wave," he continued.

"Hmmm," I nodded.

"How?"

"We will never find peace of mind until we listen to our hearts," he said. 

"How?" my never ending how continued. 

"Simple," he looked at me.

"Stop fighting with your thoughts." 

Consequences of Skipping Medication

 

It was a chaotic morning for a Sunday.

Usually weekends will be less stressful, calmer than week days.

That day, it was different.

Patient came with GCS 3/15,intubated at ED for airway protection, sedated with midafentanyl cocktail.

Multiple IV lines, IVI adrenaline, IVI insulin sliding scale, sedation pump at the side, cardiac and bp monitoring machine on another side; the place was literally in a mess.

Beeping sound from every machine available there was disturbing. 

She's a 60 years old lady, with diabetes and hypertension. History from the daughter clearly showed that, she's not compliant to her medication. She used to skip her pills.

Self made decision that took a toll on her life, causing her to lie flat infront of me.

Blood pressure on arrival was 210/148mmhg.

CT brain shows acute pontine bleed secondary to hypertensive emergency..

If.. If she took her medication regularly, today, everything would be different.

Today wouldn't be her last day on earth.

One year of Housemanship

 

It's been a year since I started housemanship in Malaysia.

When I was in Bangladesh, I loved OT.

Used to work without realising it's already night.

Loved being in hospital without realizing that the the clock is ticking, the hours are going by.I just loved getting my gloves wet with bloods.

Today, it's a different scenario. 

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I don't know if it's the system here or the people ; with a terrible attitude. 

The title might seem glamorous, but it's not worth it. 

Don't make a wrong choice.