That unnecessary dream of people from past was interrupted by reality with a cut.I felt a sharp pain at my left index finger.The blood was oozing from the cut. Reality stopped me from dreaming I thought to my self.May be Valentine's day subconsciously reminded me about everyone and everything. It just that I can't see their face clearly in my dream which I don't really understand why.Their picture is all over my place.I kept seeing it here and there but in my dream,their face seemed blurred as if by visual effect.Interesting dream.
'You already seen everyone close enough and knew their colours from your past so don't make the same mistake again,'my mind voice reminded me.
There's is a nice arabic proverb that says,everything that happens once will never happen twice.Everything that happens two times will definitely happen for the third time.
When you take this in,you know who to forgive and who to ignore I said to my self.
She was a surprise from no where.While I was seeing her message,my friend interrupted,"With whom you're messaging on Valentines?New girl?"
I looked at him.I.don't feel like saying anything.I just showed him the conversation.
"Show me her picture!"
I followed.
She looks gorgeous.Better than everyone that rejected you.Happy la you,"he said.
I looked at him.I don't get it.Why every one around me kept assuming the same.
If few girls talking and messaging with you,life would be colourful and happiness overflows in your life people assumed.
"Why are you so silent?"
"Let's celebrate it with beer!"
He knew I don't drink,I don't smoke,I dont even drink coffee but he insisted.
When I stopped everything, I learnt something.The first 12 hours will be extremely hard.The second 12 hours will be hard only if people like him trying to manipulate you by doing those bad habits in front of you.Temptation is a dream killer for many.The third 12 hours won't do much harm because you already overcome your hardest 24 hour.
Be it over eating,sleeping doing nothing,watching movies,eating sugary stuff,be it any bad indulgence that you can name it,yes ANY,I had done it not for hours,not for day,not even for weeks.Perhaps each had been in me and with me for months and some are for years.Nothing give me fulfillment.Nothing gives me happiness.When someone touches my leg to thank me for my kindness at OT,it made my heart skipped a beat.When someone really thank me genuinely for the help I had done for their sake, it gave a real happiness inside.
Girls and their sweet words do no shit for me I thought in my head while keeping my soul silent.Even an average girl made so much of fuss.What drama would a better looking girl will create I wondered..They don't get that beauty remains for years not permanent til their last second.
It's hard to distinguish who's words are real and who are lying.When a girl is young,she tend to be immature but when she reached a certain age such as after 26,she become selfish.Many labels it as being immature but it isn't. It is a pure act of selfishness for her own betterment.Self centered isn't wrong but there is a way to see if it's wrong or right.
When we having myopia or any eye sight problems,lenses gives us a better eye sight.When you having some problems in relationship,remove that love lens and you can easily see whats actually going wrong.Many will be facing blind spot of their relationships .Everyone around them can see why she or he is a terrible choice except that partner.The same happens in business and that is why board of advisors are there.
In relationship,you will never take the advice even if you know people around you're right because your rational mind never works properly under the influence of oxytocin, dopamine and pea.Emotional mind convince you that things going to be fine but the reality is it won't.Their words won't make any difference when their action is obvious.Even if you might get confuse by their action but the pattern will never ever lies.You can easily judge who will be a good son or daughter in law for your parents,who will be a good mother or father for your offspring and who won't leave you when you're hitting rock bottom in this uncertain future.I don't trust anyone be it siblings, parents ,friends,a sweet talking girl or even my own shadow.Everyone leaves you when the bright day become dim and dark.
For years it gave a sense of fear but today,I realized it is a strength.I don't have fear of losing anything or anyone,I don't have fear of dying,I don't have any kind of false evidence appears real known as fear kind of feeling.Be it father,be it friends,be it a person I loved,everyone never stays when I needed them the most.Now I don't feel I need anyone.Everyone needs me but I don't need them I realized. Be it a self surgery,curing an illness,overcoming misery from legal problem or any kind of man made problems,I learnt that when you stand and look at their eyes with the confidence that you can break at least 10 people jaw before the rest 50 kills you,your vibe never let any souls out there to make a step forward.A soul understand the rage and vibrant of another soul I learnt.
Some how,some day life gona end and that's the blessing.This sinful breath isn't forever.Imagine in this 26 years,my hands are full of scars.What would be the status of my scars in 1000 years?It would be scary.It's not a girls mistake.God created her with a greater amount of cyclic fluctuations of oxytocin so that she wont hate her baby following a stressful parturition but that capabilities enable them to simply forget a man and marry another if circumstances permits.A male mind can't understand it why and how but even he can face the same when he run a triathlon.He can forget all the pain he endures during the race and training in 4 months too but female way of forgetting is different.
They keep the memory but they remove the emotional element while male's brain faded and decreases the intensity of the memory with time ,but they can recall the memory with the same intensity of emotions at any given time.Blessing and cursing of male and females memories.Overall I don't buy such sweet words of girls any more.They are wired to change and nature is inevitable.That was meant for survival but fuck that aspects of survival.I have seen it in siblings as well.Before they get a partner,their world is different but after having a partners their world is different.
What I want isn't a sinful ,any time changeable, with a malleable heart kind of girl.The girl that deserve my gesture would and will be different and my omen could sense her.This piece of crap will simply waste my time and money.As long as her pseudo beauty remains,she will make all kind of unnecessary dramas with the spike of today's social media dilemma. I don't have time for that.What I want in my life and what I seek is different.I don't live a certain moment.I'm living for past 26 years.What I'm doing is creating the evidences that would be there for another 500 years after my departure.I don't have patience in anything.I don't eat anything for the sake of its taste.I eat because I feel like eating..I'm an extremists and people close to me would know it.I eat the maximum sweet tasting chocolates.At times I mix few together until I can feel tingling over my cheek.If i feel like taking anything sour,I look for pure lemon and ate 3 at a go.I don't keep anything or eat a portion.I finish it at a time and seek it again tomorrow.If I was a candidate for marshmallow test of that Stanford Professor, I would ate that marshmallow he gave me the second he left the room.When I was small,if I want something,I want it right away.I don't wait for others.I went and get it my self and many times I came back with injuries.I broke my scalp and ended up with stitches and injections just for the sake of green mangoes on 9/11 the same day World Trade Center were attacked.I remembered watching it on television with face full of blood.I still remembered that awful blood smell.
Yet today,I don't practice any kind of bad habits,I don't drink, I don't do drugs,I don't smoke, I don't even take rice past 7 months and I completely stopped sugar and coffee for the same duration.
From today,I'm gona add carb cycle along with intermittent fasting and before I start my next phase I saw my weakness.I bought the whole box of 36 of it and finish it in 2 hours .Basically that's 144g of sugar but that was me treating my self for valentines.
I wondered if the guy who made this bed is also a barber?Maybe,whatever motherfycker.
OOoooo..but it was sweet tho.
yyieeeeepiieee
My childhood weakness 😑
Looks like a dog food isn't it?,I know.I know.All details I know.
Blessed Day.
