Songs

Happy New Year 2018

When I see Humans as a living species ,I hate them because they shows their colors.When I see them as soul,I love them because they seems colorless 

Happy New Year 2018

➡ >> ➡ >> ➡>> ➡

From skinny 45kg underweight in 2008 ,became bulky 78kg  in 2014 n from no where I f*cked up everything and ended up as 91kg useless piece of meat in 2015;just within a year..Many people out there might self diagnose themselves as depressed.The subtle way to distinguish yourself if you're depressed or acutely sad is by observing how you seek the remedy.Sad people seek company,they need to be surrounded by people but depressed and broken people detached themselves from reality and everyone else around,prefered to be alone behind their room doors.You might wondering what if u feeling both at the same time?You need someone around for a moment and hours later u feel like being alone and hide yourself under your blanket.Such scenarios occurs because of the imbalance of the dual voice in your head.The only thing I realized and learned all this while was,any sort of negative feelings is like a flow of river.You can't stop the flow the next day by any simple action.You need to build a freaking huge dam over time and re- channel the energy into something beneficial with constant monitoring,otherwise everything would be disastrous.If u dont know the way,seek help than suffering alone.

Happy prosperous New Year in advance.

#2017 ➡#2018

I dont even know what fish was that.

need to correct my microbiome 

apple cider 

Human On Social Medias

Human On Social Medias

Humanz are like moon 🌙
They have bright side,they have dark side.Sometimes it's Superman,sometimes it's  Batman,but all the time,you don't need superpowers to be a superhero.
~~~~
My next post is about brain and why it's isn't true that human only use 10% of their brain.That might seems like an offence for many.Who I meant by many?
Yes you,the one stalks,see stories,post pictures with 12 hashtags,read my content with a paralysed fingers to tap,use social medias like a neighbour that don't even come out to help when your
neighbours in trouble but you sneaks through the windows.You're the person that will ignore those in pain.You can't even be real in virtual social media.Definitely you wont be an asset for me and people around you.If a girl do that to a boy,it's fine,understandable.Some males too do the same.1000 years ago,your ancestors were standing with a swords like a man.Of cz you came from them,you wouldn't just jump from the sky,but why many let your manhood traits 'evolved' such a way?I engaged with everyone I followed.You flooded my newsfeed with bunch of no content stuff.I learn no shit from you except your attitude and as a consequence,I missed my real friends good moments which I could cherish if your shits aren't there. Come on,have some common sense when you says you're busy.We followed mutual pages and your names are there in posts that just 20 minutes old..Accept this as an invitation and leave.The game is,u leave I know who you're ,I knew it earlier tho tru apps out there and you knew its you.Let me share ur name to others so that they won't waste their time following ur crap.People liking and commenting causes dopamine release in our brain.I get it,but let's preserve it for those who needs it like an acid attack victims, people that needs a reason,struggling to start their days or for a business purpose.At least teach me something valuable or give respect and take it back if you love to share your living with others.Don't waste anyone's time for ur pleasure.I will use my bare hands and takes out the whole limbic system from your dark useless skull having clay so called brains between your ears.Nothing personal,just a friendly reminder.

0404AM

I looked like Pou with a painful gum.

I can't close my mouth normally because of the pain despite it's been a week but If I still don't eat fearing the pain just drinking water and honey ,I would die sooner.Let's die after eat something nicer.

Song

Tom:It's nice

Me:Tom,stop bullshiting.I sang this song before on my soundcloud and I knew how bad it sounded now.

Tom:I knew you still feeling pain from the dental work.

Me:Yes Tom.It's just to reminds me that I shouldn't settle because of the pain.

Either I would get better a day and people would know I started from nothing or they have the view of me in video form when I'm no more.

Tom:Either way,we won.

Me:YES.It's always a win-win.

The World Will Never See The old Me Again

The World Will Never See The old Me Again

Heartache and Betrayal is Part of Today's World

"You still haven't forget her?"Pallavi asked.
I moved the phone away from my ear,close to chest,inhaled deeply and continued talking,"How could I?"
"Get over it Lakdhes,past is past."

I wished it could be that easy to do as she said,"You know what Pallavi,I liked her even before I actually got to  know that she going to come and study together with me.Sometimes,I don't know its fated or destiny,but when she left,she took a part of my soul along.It's more like been cursed for a life long.She's elder than me.That's  made me attracted to her more  because not only her age but her caring character reflecting her age gave a motherly sensation for me back then,"Pallavi was listening calmly.

"I saw how she treated her past relationship.At times I used to say to myself ,how nice if someone was there for me with such an understanding mentality.After more than a year, I'm convinced that she will give the love that I seek without being judgmental."

Pallavi asked with a curious tone,"You mean she was in relationship prior?"

"Yes Pallavi.I didn't went in between or did anything nasty like other guys but now,at times,I felt like I might caused some problem between them at that time.I knew that guy.He was from my school too."

"Listening,"Pallavi said.
"I don't feel like elaborating more about him.Maybe what I had seen during school days might wrong,but the reason they broke up was,she called a day and said that guy went to see a doctor,"while I haven't finish the sentenced,she interrupted.
"He had cancer?"
I laughed."Pallavi,this  isn't movie.From what she said and cried,I understand that  it's kind of  like STD problem.I don't know for sure but she cried for a week because of the betrayal."

"I see,thank god.No girl would wan't such a guy,so who came in between after him?"she enquired.

"All girl aren't smart as you Pallavi,"I teased her.

"Wait,you mean the same shitty guy came in between again?"

I just sighed."Ya,he was super troublesome Pallavi.,up to this day.They had mutual friends so it's a never ending problem.He kept asking her let's go for a holiday after that.He even called me,spoiled my happiness."I explained.

"I got it Lakdhes.I know why an ex tried to bring someone out again.She went?",she asked with a doubt.

I just smiled.I don't know Pallavi.I don't know.She's a nice girl but I don't trust anyone"
Time made me realized that I was wrong.She became confused between me and her past.She  told me it's not we, its me, its I. I was wrong again."

"You don't trust me either?'Pallavi muttered.

I smiled,"I didn't say like that.I meant her.Things was going fine between us till a day I saw few pictures that broke my heart.I remembered the day before everything turned upside down,she said I was raised by a queen and that's why I treated her like princess.The next day I saw her real colour behind me.It's not that I was raised such a way,I sculpted myself such a way Pallavi and now I felt lost."

"Did you asked her about it!?"Pallavi asked with an angry tone.

"I did."
"What she said?"questioned Pallavi.

"She said ,'I didn't went and sleep with him with a high voice'."

"Hmmm,forget her please .She don't deserve you,"Pallavi assured.

"I wished I can Pallavi.I'm moving on but I can't simply forget her.It's not just love and attraction Pallavi,It's more like a vow that I made.I will keep watching her from far.She still messaged me once in a while

"You telling that she is giving mixed signal?",

"No Pallavi.I don't see it as mixed signal.She left me.Mixed signal only will be given by people who realized that they made  a mistake.For her,whatever she had done,she don't see it as a lie,betrayal or mistake.For her,her happiness and her circle matters.It will never end and nothing will get better anymore."
"The whole shit left me into someone like a high performance athlete.I kept running from everything that can hurt me more,it's just that I don't know if I'm running towards something or away from something.Almost everyone I knew knows her as well.They kept seeing what she doing and what he doing.Whenever they got the chance they gossiped it with me and break me even more."

"Asked them don't Lakdhes",Pallavi worried.

"I did but you know humans,they love to  break someone and be happy from it.I'm not over it yet Pallavi so I can't openly talk about it yet.I don't know if I ever will be able to overcome from it.I was real all these while.So I just avoid everyone including relative and sibling.You know what Pallavi,she didn't even remember what she did to me.She never even follow me on social media but she following that guy.At times I felt like a loser Pallavi."

Pallavi took a pause and continued with a smile,"No Lakdhes.Stop assuming."


I exhaled and told her,"she said she needed someone that she don't have to think and worry about.I recently checked my diary Pallavi.She wrote there that she was dying.I didn't get it back then but when I removed the lens of love and see it clearly, I can see  how bad was my choice.She used to scolded me stop carrying your childhood memories and  living your present life."

"When I started  to study more,I got to know that our adulthood love is basically derived from our childhood experiences.What we faced,seek or molded then is what became our expectations in our relationship in the future.My whole story was messed up from beginning .It still driving me else where Pallavi."

"My mistake was ,I loved everyone around me more than I loving myself and that's why it turned out bad.I always said that I'm an asset and not a liability to lose."
"At time,I wondered what is and was my asset.My asset is I'm willing to sacrifice anything that I want for other's smile.I don't get vaccinated but will do it for others ,I don't check my blood but will bring others, I don't buy food for myself but for people around me to eat.Even if I'm super bored and I need my laptop ,I will give it to people around me that needed it more.The list goes on .It's always about others than me.It was too late before I realized that I can only give from an overflowing cup not from a half empty cup otherwise it will causes pain for myself while the rest will be smiling sucking my soul."


"It doesn't mean that I was too good Pallavi.I'm not.When the betrayal was so obvious and suspicions entered subtly added with their suspicious act,things got out of hand.I needed a mother while she needs a friend.As a chain reaction I became reactive to everything she did and finally raised my hand when I'm no more sane;something that a man should never do. Doesn't matter even if she's the one who started,I wouldn't die if a girl hit me and I realized it's too late. Intoxication method to overcome my reality that I chosen then drove me somewhere that I can't rewrite my story with her..I learned later that during first era people need partners to help with their work,perhaps partner in crime.Then came the era where people seek partner because of real love.They are willing to spend boring time together.I neglected my era and tried to be in the second era.Now it's not about love,it's about how you can help to lift life of your partners.If you not making them feel good,not entertaining,either they leave or they cheat. I'm well aware that girls are from Venus and most of the time they only needs listening ears.Yet I'm not that person that show sympathy.I showed empathy that's where it went wrong.I shouldn't do that with the girl I loved. I listen and try to fix it because I felt if I don't look for solution,the same problem kept emerging soon or later.Most of the time she labelled me indecisive but in my head ,I knew I'm not giving her options,I took 20 different things,made my decision and gave the best 5 for her  to choose.For her it's options but for me it's different.I just wanted the best for her so I gave her the privilege to choose  the best from my decision.I tried to lead without making myself seems superior whenever I'm with her.I don't even treat anyone such a way.I don't even let my friends to touch my books  but I be selfless with her because ..."I stopped without finishing my sentence..


"Because you loved her that much Lakdhes,right?"Pallavi ended the sentence with a question which I never really answered with words.
"Now I know why you always preferred to be isolated and alone,"Pallavi sighed.

"You still want her right?"Pallavi asked with a mixed tone.

"Pallavi,the moment she let her past  showed up in her life again,she failed in my context.Trust should be earned.She gave the pain that will never vanish from my life.It's like a life long curse.Nothing will be back to normal .Even if she cared now,it really frightened me Pallavi.I  lost that battle and certain things aren't worth nor deserve fighting for."When my mum teased me why I'm so sensitive towards a girl, I just smiled.I don't have hard feelings towards my mum.She was the best but her way could be better.If it was,I would be better in everything today without the need of trying hard .."



"I have never ever slept on my mother's lap,hugged her nor leaned on her chest when I'm terribly down .I don't.I won't even hold my mum's hand for nothing.This girl was the first person that showed me that comfort.I don't want her anymore Pallavi but if I see her in problem,I might go and fix it and leave.It's not love.It's my nature I guess but let say if I have some one else in my life,I will never keep in touch with her, giving hope for one and screwing another.I won't.She's not even in my FB or Insta list.That's not me."

"Time will heal everything Lakdhes."Pallavi ensured.

"Even now,when I saw her with a pale look,my whole day got ruined wondering if she's fine or not.I knew nice guy always finish last.Honestly,I can't see her getting married to someone else Pallavi.At the same time I can never be with such a girl.Selfishness and selflessness should be in balance.Imbalance will causes more pain in the future.Somehow I will get used to it the next day,but whatever it is,I just want her to be happy for real.Despite all the heartache,she made me realized my weakness and vulnerability quite early in my life.I don't have to and I won't repeat those mistakes again with any girl in the future.There's a good in  bad right.I love the teetotalism and spiritualistic life that I'm living now.I don't even feel like doing anything that can hurt my health or happiness of people around me .The lessons that I learnt made me who am I today.She will read or listen about me in the future.It's her miss but if her husband hurt her in future,I will break his jaw,that's a promise!"

*If I'm still here 😊

How To Protect Yourselves During Late Night

How To Protect Yourselves During Late Night or At

Thaipusam 

Every rebirth requires a great price;a great lost

Few days back,I selected few potential  people in my following list, dm'ed them,asked something.I told them I have this plan to help those who underwent and undergoing dicrimintation,biases etc but I didn't update them about it.I asked their opinion how I could make it happen.The plan was simply,I'm not an activist who going to rally for them because I'm aware of Nisbett and Borgida'a students 'suffering a seizure' experiment that showed human wont help people around them even its crucial.Even if they aware of this fact,it still never change the outcome.Some kind souls replied and some didn't. Some asked why you emphasized more on girls.One guy that knew me in person even teased me if It's  because I born with a girl as twins.Its not only for girls,its even applicable for a skinny boy that get bullied.There might be 5 point of views,you can see it in 3 angles but the fact remains 1 and its remains the same.Teach someone,create awareness is complete bullshit.


Dr Drew inference about how an 18 yr old and a 26 yrs old mind reacts to this is clear on my mind.I thought near death experiences would make difference for the mind of 25 yrs old above person but when I contacted an acid attack victim in person,even she didn't react the way I expected.We human prefer to be in a pseudo comfort zone with likes and comment more than figure out a solution or fixing it.This is a cunning man made world.No one will help you at those times when you're alone especially for girls.Every life starts by winning but world turns many into a loser.If the sperm next to you won the race,you wouldn't even existed.When some saw my knuckles,few even said it's so stupid to inflict such wounds.When you're passionate about something, people says you're doing great but when you're obsessed, people tell you that you're doing crazy and I'm aware the difference.In this era,being strong is more important than being fit or slim.Being healthy is essential but being strong is vital as well, especially for poor girls and skinny boys out there who can't help themselves with their bare hands during fight or flight situation.Even God won't help you.Even people around you will be an audience,right?

Without realizing that the tissue of upper body and lower body are different,many 'complimented' me for having small legs without realizing I pressed 300kg too but my genetic is slightly fucked up and I'm organic af;as long as my ligaments are strong enough to break your pelvis into 4,it's fine for me for now.I don't wish to herniated my intestines into my balls nor stand with an underwear on stage.The moment cancer hit you,chemo melts your muscles .The difference between criticism and feedback is how we take them.Be it bodybuilding,fitness or calisthenics,emphasize more on your strength as well not just building muscle,burning fat or being slim.If you don't have weights,fill an one ltr water bottle with water,train you punches by grasping them so that during real situations,your punches would be sufficient to break someone's jaw or at least their nasal bridge.Most of the time,our knees are fine but pelvic acetabular,the ligaments surrounding the area might get ruptured when u try to raise in sudden to kick someone because you never even train them for 10 years except to kick your siblings.Its like moving a rusty socket from no where.It moves but it causes damage for you as well.If your're reading this up to this sentence, don't get carried away and train ur punches with water bottles in front of  a mirror and break it or don't break someone's face,causing grievous injuries and pinpoint me for spreading this.
Be your own version of wonder woman and superman,prepare yourselves because you will be thankful for it a day especially during Thaipusam and lonely late nights.

After 3.50 AM

Late night 2am meal.

Before 250AM

Day 1 Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three days later after he read my post on my blog.

                                                                        

Looks who liked and commented!!!Its TOMMMMMM BILYEU!!!

My HERO

Lesson Learnt

The price of rebirth is too expensive,right?

Elon Musk Vs Lakdhes :Every Life Starts by Winning but World Turned Many Into a Loser

Every Life Starts by Winning but World Turned Many Into A Loser

Elon Musk vs Human Mask

"Where have you been?"
Why you didn't answer my calls?",Pallavi asked the moment I answered her call after her 27th missed calls.
"Sorry,just came back from gym,"I said while arranging my study table full of medicines.
"Gym?You going to get your stitches ruptured and then you will know!"she said with a stern voice."You should get rest right? Don't do anything silly."


I can see her concern,"but lying on bed all day doesn't seems alive Pallavi.I need the motion.Without the sun,added by rain and winter simultaneous, I felt terrible.That's why I went but I was careful though.I make sure my jaws was relaxed through out the training,"I reassured.
"Did you eat anything? ",she questioned.
"Yes," I said while jotting down  notes about quantum theory that I went through yesterday night in my special notebook.

"What you ate?Don't eat anything too hot,"said Pallavi while being in the middle of traffic..I can listen to the sound of the traffic around her.
"I ate tablets."
"That's all?","At least drink soup,don't be like this.What if you ended up with gastritis?"she said with a worried tone.

I don't know if I like the care.It feels nice when someone cared towards me but at the same time,it's frightened me inside.
"Omeprazole is there as a saver.Don't worry Pallavi .I didn't take pain killers.It's just took metronidazole and cephradine.I'm used to pain.I don't  need them.The dentist said she going to give me the strongest pain killer.I thought it's tramadol at least,but it was etoricoxib 90mg.She must be making fun I guess."

"I don't  know if you're strong or you just faking it like you're strong ,"Pallavi sighed.

"Both I guess.Before the minor surgery,she said she going to give me a super medicine.I was wondering what could be that med that I'm not aware of.Later I learnt that it's diazepam.The pharmacist was worried if I have hypertension or any illnesses before he gave it."
I smiled to my self Pallavi. Those are like tic tac for me some years back.
"Dont worry,I'm right here.Is it still painful?"her sweetness never decrease even a percent since the day I know her.

I just smile.
"Is she actually a qualified BDS doctor?"How can she be so careless?!"Please take the pain killer and get some rest,"said Pallavi.
"Don't scold her,she did her best.My tooth was as strong as me I guess,"I joked.
"Before she started the procedure,she recited prayers.That's showed her concern at the same time it scares me.She struggled to pull the remaining half with extra effort and that's what leaded to the palate's wound because it's hard to control stopping velocity in that tiny oral space right?
I'm blessed that my mandibular joint is still intact,it was that painful..It's understandable Pallavi.

During the procedure,suddenly they stopped and put vaseline kinda substance to my right cheek and angle of my mouth.I knew she mistakenly injured my cheek but it's was only today I realized even the angle of right lips was slightly torn.That's why it's hard to talk nor open my mouth widely.You might guessed it from the way I'm speaking  right?
The are blisters and bruises all around my oral cavity.That's nothing compare to when the gum got cut when she pressed too hard using the blade.It felt numb for sometime but with time the pain became more obvious and the worst of all was when she mistakenly cut the side of my tongue."
"WHAT??!"Pallavi was surprised.
I laughed,"It's my fault.With the diminishing numbness,it became hard for me to control my tongue from interrupting their work.If she hold my tongue,I nauseated.It wasn't their fault.The pain caused reflex tear rolled from my right eye."

"She said in Bengali,"don't cry,you're not a kid. Infact I wasn't ,I told her.It tears of joy.I was suffering for 12 months and it's going to end today.I was humming my favorite song so that they don't feel bad.It made them laughed and worked with less anxious .After all they're human too right.I knew that feeling It's just that they operating inside mouth and I have done it at sites other than inside of a mouth.Before she started I told her Pallavi,back in Malaysia,we have this thing where each year they will do free dental check up during our primary school.I'm super afraid of it not because of the pain,but because the nurses will always scolded me because I will nauseated when ever she put her fingers in my mouth.The latex smell of gloves and when she touched the inner part of my mouth,it seriously made me suffered.So during standard 5,when I went into that Sekolah Kebangsaan Alma Jaya's dental clinic,I saw that green dental report card which contain records for that whole 6 years .

It was there  and I noticed no one was seeing me.So I took it and misplaced the record at the place where they kept record of students who already got checked. I walked out proudly after done that 'crime' and went to class. I lied to my mother too.Unfortunately the next year,because I skipped a year of check up,I ended up with much worse trauma;caries which was super painful during fixation procedure.I told  her that event made me super phobic and that's why I didn't even try to go and check with a dentist  for years. I told them I'm here again in a dental clinic after 14 years and if can, don't scold me like the nurses back then if I ever feel like vomiting.

Pallavi gave a loving smile and before she said something,I interrupted,"you go and do your work first Pallavi.This is normal.Whatever this place touches will ended up this way.Be it repairing a laptop,phone,tab,health ,studies or life.It gave the effects of inner city.Most of the time it ended up disastrous with the thing it came in contact.I will be fine.You carry on.We talk later ,"I assured.I knew she's busy."If it's super painful I will take a cold shower,"I reassured.


"Use hot water.Don't inflict more pain Lakdhes,"Pallavi said with a caring tone."You made me worried almost everyday.I can't figure out what's in your mind.Don't be weird like this please."
That made me laugh out loud."If I can't keep my self uncomfortable for 5 minute with that cold water,I definitely can't do the thing that I wanted to do Pallavi and stop figuring out me ..Don't think I'm rude but please don't,because I don't want it nor needs it."

She remain silent.That silence was awkward and unpleasant for me.I broke the moment,"Pallavi,don't mistaken me.Soon or later, this feeling will end.It might be dopamine,oxytocin or the worst PEA. I'm sorry Pallavi,I knew sticks and stones might break bones but words will break our heart,"I tried to make her understand.
I don't even feel like explaining much this time to anyone even to her but I knew how it will feels when we hurt people that really care for us by ignoring or by being rude.
There's still no sound from her.
"Are you there?"I asked yet seconds later, still no sound from her side,"Should I hang up?" I continued.
"I'm here,listening.Hurt me more,"she said.
Her voice and her cute way of expressing her sorrow made me smile.
"Pallavi,let me share with you something."
"Tell,"she replied in a split second.
"Don't get excited.It' nothing relevant about emotional garbage. ,"I exclaimed while heating up the water kettle to make coffee.I can hear she clearing her tears from her nose.I smiled while cutting that 10taka coffee packet with scissor.

"It's okay,as long you talk something with me,it feels good,"she said..
"Pallavi,have your heard about this girl,Pramodini Rual,known as Rani..?"
"I don't know,who's that?"
I smiled,"she's from your country Pallavi,from Bhubaneswar,Orissa."

"She's had been returning from home after an exam with her cousin when a 28-year-old man cycled biked past and doused her with acid. He was a paramilitary soldier, melting her skin and blinding her in both eyes simple because she had turned down his marriage proposal."
"She can't walk for 4 years,can't even bent her neck because the acid melted her neck bone and it took police 9 years to record her statement,as you know the system since that motherfucker was in military,so.. ,"I explained while she was listening quietly.
"When I compare my pain to her or people out there that suffering for real,this is nothing right?"

"Maybe,but I'm more concern about you,"she replied in a way that I really don't know how to react wondering if I should cherish her concern towards me or be mad for being bias like the rest of the world.Seconds later,she sighed and asked me,"why are you so concerned about such people?"You could focus more on you right?What you can do to them?Nothing,right"
I just smiled while sipping my hot coffee.

"When I was small,I was at my grandparents house and my twin sister was with my mum.I loved my grandmother but I remembered few incidents Pallavi,"I said while  she was listening silently.

"I  knew that my grandmother used to secretly asked me not to talk to my mum,be it on phone or in person.In front of my mum or others, she will be normal.I don't get it back then but I remembered this incident,it was during Diwali season."
My parents came to bring me back.It was my grandmother who prepared me with new clothes and everything but inside the room,when we both were alone,she said this to me while talcumed my face,' your mum will call you later to bring you back,but you shouldn't follow her back.You must tell that you don't want to go.'
Even now I don't know why I followed her words but when I went out,I said as what my grandmother asked me to say.My sister took back the toy gun that she gave me when I refused to follow them back.I was standing and looking what's happening and I remembered my grandmother said this to my father,'you and me aren't related,only money are related'."

When they brought me back after years to my parents house,on that day prior 'kidnapped', I remembered my uncle hides me in his home.I remembered he told me to hide behind the last room's door.I sneaked out and saw my father and my elder sister going front and back of the house on a bike. I don't  remember much but the next thing in my memory was,I saw shop lots near my real house's area in town,being sandwiched between my father and sister on a  bike.I'm so used to be at village.That concrete terrace house seems like a prison.


The feeling  of going back to my grandparent's place was extremely intense.It felt  like suffocating but I can't cry out loud.I broke the toys in anger,I don't mix with my siblings and I made so much chaos in the beginning .Whenever  I cried I wanted to go back to village,my mum have a technique.I wont voice out what I want because I'm scared of my mum so I cried silently.My mum will give a slap and told me,' don't cry for no reason,cry with a reason and that slap is the reason."

"She never beats me often.She wasn't cruel or what Pallavi,it's just that she don't know how to change me.I'm super good with adapting and hiding my feeling. I'm a fast learner I guess.Time flew and the intensity of feeling like going back to my grandparents became less intense but I love them more than my mum.I like my father more than mum because she tried to manage me by inducing fear and my father won't even say nor talk anything to me.My mum, even up to this day felt her way was correct but she don't realized what she had done to me in long term.I spoke about it once and I learnt that she's adamant that she's correct all the time."
"She used to compare me with my twin sister by saying you both born together ,why can't you be like her,why can't you speak English like her and bla bla bla without realizing the mistake that she had done."

"There was a day when my mum didn't cook so my father bought rice from shop outside.It must be night after 10pm because my father went to bed already when this incident happened. He always go to bed at 10pm because he have to get up early the next morning.We just finished watched a movie on television and I started to eat right away when the movie ended.I usually hate sharing and I remember I was holding the drumstick and enjoy eating it because I owned it even though I was sharing the rice with my sisters. "

"From no where,during our conversation ,topic about my grandmother came in.At that age ,I don't know that my grandmother was just pretending,so I loved her a lot.I supported her neglecting my mother's care.I hate it when someone says something bad about her.She got mad,"I paused.

"What happened?""If you don't feel like telling it's okay,"Pallavi assured.
"No,nothing like that,she wasn't mad, perhaps got hurt by my behavior would be more  appropriate word," I said and continued,"she beat me and made me sat outside on the shoe rack.My legs wont reach the ground when I sat on top of the rack so  I  remembered that day clearly because I saw my oscillating  legs and it was full moon.While crying looking at the moon, I wished to the the moon how nice it would be if someone come and save me from this heart ache .Then my father who was sleeping heard I'm crying outside, came and brought me in.I don't remember what happened next.Maybe she did something , tried to make me better,asked sorry etc I don't know.Only that intense sorrow is there in my mind now.She don't remember this when I asked but the consequences of  event like these were deep Pallavi. It made me became fake.Even when I felt like saying something I don't say it out loud.I kept within me.If she found a better way to deal with me back then,I would be better in many term too yet.."
"you know what,a part from the fakeness,it created this thought  to help such people ,not solely from childhood experiences but also due to discrimination I faced here in Bangladesh.Whenever I see someone cry or suffer,I always had this feeling that I should be their hope,never let them suffer alone inside."I explained  while leaned back on my chair ,raised my hand and kept the empty coffee cup at the corner of my study table.

"I born with a girl Pallavi.,"I continued."Sometime I  wondered how would I look if the sperm next to me won the race but not me.I'm sure that we wouldn't look the same.If you see my twin sis,she's a different sperm into a different ovum and she's completely different,be it look,gender ,characters or traits.Every life starts by winning but so called life and circumstances turned them into a loser and sufferer later.It's not fair."


"Elon wants to bring human to Mars.It's great.After all,human loves traveling and nothing wrong with it.. But somehow,where ever we go, we have to come back.right.Nothing gives the comfort like home but if home literally turned into an unsafe ,fucked up place with bad assholes then where else we can go for shelter and comfort.Well, its fine for me.I have 'wings' to fly but how about those birds that can't even fly?.At least their home should be safe right?
"This is a men made world Pallavi and only a man can change it ,be it for good or bad."

"But Lakdhes,it's not easy...In fact,it's impossible to make the world a safe place for everyone to live,it's damaged beyond repairable,"Pallavi stated.

"Maybe I can't change the whole world and the whole human population don't deserve it too honestly,but I can keep my surrounding  to be a better place to live right?I can make people who suffered and suffering powerful right?Doesn't matter if I need to be an Iron Man or Batman,what have to be done should be done."


"My friend once told me,action speaks louder than words.I kept quiet and walked away but that night I realized words are  more powerful than action.Words started  the whole paradigm .Your action was leaded by the thoughts in your head and it's always started as words.Everything that you bring out to the world created twice.Before they become tangible in your action,you created them in your mind as words which means nothing is ever impossible Pallavi."

"If you can see it in your mind,if you have the courage enough to speak about it,it will happen"

"When I said it to someone, a person once asked me,if it's true,then transport human to Mars in a second.That's a legit question but still,I'm adamant  with my point,nothing is impossible. It might seems not possible now ,but with time everything is possible.About a century back,flying isn't  possible.Roughly half decade back, going to moon isn't possible.It's just a matter of time before certain so called impossible thing become possible. Who knows years from now,even teleportation nor time travel will be possible,including better life at home.; As long as people that never buy such  words 'impossible' are  there in this world."

"Understand Lakdhes,but show some concern about your life too,"Pallavi requested with her as usual loving tone.
"Pallavi,honestly I'm melting with your care and voice,but keep the emotion aside.I came from stardust and I'm going to end as stardust..Before I departure,I will do something about it.

never taste my punch -superman

Smallest xray-IOPA

Intraoral peri apical 

Swollen Face

back to routine

How to Overcome Extreme Depression Effectively

How to Overcome Extreme Depression  Effectively 


Ways to Solve Chronic Depression

This post is closely related to   Recover From Depression-Cortisol--.So  read it as well to understand more about the stress hormone.

Most of the time,the feeling of depression that you facing might be mistaken.Don't get it?


When you visit your nearby doctor,most of the time,when you express your feeling,the doctor will prescribe you an  anti depression.I had done that too to my friends and even I myself personally took anti depression without actually aware of the real problem.

If I said I'm going to give you the top 10 ways to cure depression,then I'm going to fool you.There is no such thing that  as a common method that will apply to everyone.Everybody is unique and  different.Without actually establishing a two way communication,without you talk to me,I can never solve your problem.No one can actually.Maybe some are blessed to find their ways of fixation by their own but even  them,they might use the information and experiences shared by others,so you get it?

Most of the time,the acute feeling of 'depression ' we feeling isn't from the dopamine,serotonin endocannabinoid system or oxytocin. Those hormones are from the brain,to be more precise,limbic system ,amygdala  and hypothalamus.In general these hormones origin from inside of our brain and they related to more complex and chronic mental illness..The ways to heal them aren't impossible or extremely hard but it requires a lot of manual 'workshop',which of course I can help you,only if you're willing to make the changes.

Most of the time,we misdiagnosed it our self with the aid of google ,our own assumptions or even doctors who mispredict them.There are vast difference between the causes.It might be from the brain or it might be from the adrenal gland's hormone-cortisol.
Adrenal glands are 2 small glands  located on top of our kidneys.The problem with all the negative aspect of the hormones is that,our brain is more sensitive to bad than the good.Pessimism is more common than optimisms.Negative self thoughts are much easy to screw you than positive dual voice because our brain are wired such a way.Almost all the information will be filtered by different layers in our brain leaded firstly by amygdala,the kingpin of emotion.So negative emotions like fear,anger,anxiety are more common and susceptible because of these factors.

If you read the other post,you will get an idea how cortisol works in screwing .Rather than self evaluating,you can mail me at lakdhes91@gmail or direct message me on my Instagram so that I can assess you and figure out which system you're stuck in.We are more good in evaluating others than our self and that's a fact,right?So don't  make it worse if you can't help yourself. 

Majority of  the auto immune disease like Multiple sclerosis ,lLupus,Rheumatoid diseases,even systemic diseases like heart attack etc always happen after a stressful event,primarily loss of a loved one ,divorce,extreme heart break- due to cortisol.If you read the link above ,you will know that cortisol will accumulate.Hormonal changes with aging,menopause,menstruation  period,the accumulation of repeated old stress which never  really show up will hamper your autonomic nervous system.The moment you see a doctor,anti depression is what you will be given.That might help for sometime,but it only going to  mask the real problem because both system almost mimic one another leaving the real problem uncured. That is why finding the root cause is vital..I have given few tips on how to reduce your cortisol..The good news is,almost all of them,doesn't matter from adrenal or amygdala,I can guide you for better life.


Well,now let's go into more serious stuff.I already explained about cortisol and the hormonal cascade that might cause the depression in you.There are people who faced much worse than the rest,the near death experience,extreme abuse,PTSD,suicidal experience,sexual abuse,bully,raped,acid attacked or whatever it is,you name it.This is for you.

Firstly,whatever you gone through is related to those hormones from your brain.I'm not here to feel sympathy but to share my empathy by helping you get out of the matrix.I'm here to lift you up from your 'helly' rabbit hole.I'm not going to simply tell you to workout ,meditate like the rest.I will help you by guiding you the exact ways how to over come it.Small win is just a simple term but digging deep into them is like an ocean and it varies for everyone..When we exercise, brain derived neurotrophic factor BDNF will be secreted.It helps with brain's neuroplasticity. Assume the brain as a plastic and we can mold it into something else to bring you out completely from it.I know it's sounds nothing new but you don't know my story so trust me. If you're reading this,I knew you already on the path of finding ways to fix yourself,so mail me.You know what going to make you great?

Those people that faced near death experiences,God has a different story for us.Yes us.There is a saying, 'teach the thing that you need to learn',right?So you know we belongs to the same tribe.
You know why?Even scientist can't explain it how and why.The brain is like the universe.You can't actually figure out the exact answer for every puzzle but the biological reason that occur in the mind of people with such experiences changed.

If you are 18 years old to 25,the approach you need will be different.The brain grow completely matured at the age of 25.If you're more than 25,it's not easy to change you unless you experienced a painful situation.You know why you're gifted?

Those with such experiences ,the biological reaction changed in your brain and no one knows exactly why.Our senses will detect about 400 billion bits of information per seconds.The number might varies but that's what scientist predicted .Unfortunately the informations that out brain can interpret at a sec is 120 bits.When you listen to someone's talking,it's about 60 bits.So when 2 person talking at the same time,your brain can't register them properly and this is the reason. When we sleep,there are 4 cycles that we will go through ,each last for 90 minutes.They consist of rapid eye movement sleep,REM and non rapid eye moment sleep non-REM sleep.There will be 5 waves that we will encounter during sleep,alpha beta theta delta gamma.The unique thing about this is that,we can accurately predict how a person going to be 6 months later,either you going to be depressed or happy by assessing your sleep today.

When we sleep,we usually reach REM sleep after 90 minutes.The going to be happy or will remain happy people will achieve this at 90 or up to 110 minutes.Those who seems happy today but when they sleep,they reach the REM stage within 50 ,60 minutes of sleep will be miserable in coming months.It's 98% accurate and we don't know how and why it's being such a way.The blessing that near death experience people have is,when they sleep,they reach their REM cycle at 110 minutes.Something inert biologically happened and changed after such experiences for them and I see it as a blessing .That is the first step ,perhaps blessings that others wont get..That is why I said you guys going to be the greatest among the rest.

If you feeling stuck in such a dilemma,don't know how to survive another day,mail me at lakdhes91@gmail.com or dm on Instagram.Better days are coming and it's starts from now..

How To Lose Belly Fats and Recover From Depression

How To Lose Belly Fats and Recover From Depression 

Relation between Winter,Sunlight,Cortisol,Insulin and Food

The moment I asked google what is the temperature today,the phone rang.
It's Pallavi.
"Should I answer the call or just leave it and get to her later?"the internal monologue kicked in with a question inside my dark skull.
I just don't  feel like talking with anyone yet.The day felt so uneasy,I slept for 8 hours yet I felt awful.I woke up twice in the middle of sleep and when I finally got up from of a vivid dream,I felt I woke at the wrong sleep cycle.I felt super dizzy and drowsy.
She called again for the second time.
"Let's just face it,who knows,maybe she can make you feel better,"I said to my self.

"Hello,"I swiped the screen and uttered the first word of the day with a grumpy voice.
"Bad dream?"she asked guessing from my sulky tone.
Despite such mood,I smiled to myself thanking God for blessing me with such an understanding friend.
"Sort of,"I replied and continued,"I dreamt  bitten by dogs.
"Hahaha",she laughed."That's why you moody?"
"I don't know,but it happened twice in my dream,"I tried to recall the dream while ignoring her smile.Her smile was optimistically contagious.
"No wonder why boys kept dm'ing you Pallavi.You have a sweet smile,"I said while pulling my blanket covering my legs.

She smiled again."You want to sleep back ?"she questioned.
"It's coldddd,"I said with a low tone.
"Aquaman ,you took shower with that cold freezing water at midnights and you complaining of winter 's breeze at 10 A.M?"she laughed.
"No,I'm Superman."No Iron man."I corrected her while re-correcting myself.
"She laughed harder ,"you and your uncertainty!"
"Superman is considered son of god.I can't be him.Iron man or Batman makes sense at least.That's why I changed the hero."

"You going to be 27 next year and you still fantasizing superheroes," Pallavi teased.
"I will take it as a complement,"I sighed.
She smiled and said,"let's contemplate whats going through in you head and fix it."
"Okay,try if you want,"I challenged.
"Check your fingers if your body have enough blood.Check for capillary refill."
I pressed my finger nails,"they looks fine.I took iron tablet and multivitamin last night.Don't think that I'm  anemic,"I ensured.
"Dehydrated?"she asked."It's common during winter,the body tricking us like we are well hydrated.Drink water and see,"she  concerned .
"Lips feels fine,"I reassured,"but will drink more."
"Seasonal affective disorder?"she questioned.
"Don't know,"I replied.
"There's no such thing as dont know.There's only yes or no,forget it?"she asked trying to remind me of my own philosophy.
This time I laughed.She got my attention.
"I think I know the cause.I stopped gym few days back.I started to workout at home.Basically I didn't go out past three days Pallavi."

"Maybe your cortisol is high because of lack of sun light.Maybe lack of Vitamin D as well,"she clarified.
I tried to recall everything that could be the cause.
"I don't smoke.No alcohol.No sleeping pills.No any external stimulants. Hemoglobin most probably is fine. Didn't take excessive carbohydrate over night ,so don't think so there's excessive insulin in my body.Water intake should be fine.Sleep cycle seems fine.Even though I got up at wrong cycle maybe REM phase,the sleep inertia should be fine by now.The one thing seems abnormal was lack of sunlight.

The problem with body is that,there's only ON switch for adrenal gland.Both adrenaline and cortisol are stress hormones dealing with flight and fight mechanism.The stress that body going through from cortisol effects will be cumulative means it will keep on adding.If you felt tremendous amount of stress,it doesn't means that the effect will wears  off the next day.It will be there and if you facing more stress the next day,it's more like an add on,not starting in a fresh manner.The only way to eliminate it is by balancing the buffer system of the body by regulating it with counter elements that hamper it's production like vitamin D3 along with Vitamin K,vitamin B1 from food,not the synthetic pills,calcium-calcium citrate and lactate.Calcium carbonate is the bad one so avoid it.Long walk,acupuncture,sun light,proper sleep ,exercise,breathing and food helps as well.Let me explain why.

When you never get proper sleep,the growth hormone will be secreted less in your body .GH will be secreted while you sleep.With lack of sleep,the opposite of GH,cortisol will be high.When too much cortisol is  in system, it prevent protein from reaching  muscles.The culprit prevent amino acid from sticking to our skeletal cells.Instead it shunted to liver and broken down and converted into carbohydrate.This is one of the reason why  ketogenic diet which is high in fat,low in carbohydrates and protein ,or even high protein diet failed to help you losing excessive fats.

The ketones or protein undergoes gluconeogensis in liver and became carbohydrates which means making new sugars.With a simple mistake,you will never see the difference,credit goes to this process.From adrenal it ended up in liver and this is why diabetes, high belly fats and cholesterol are highly related to cortisol.Cortisol increases insulin in this way..If you're eating really good but not losing weights,having stressful  circumstances ,it might be due to the stress hormone cortisol.When you're aging,the anti aging  hormone;growth hormone goes down and destructive cortisol increases. GH is secreted by pituitary  gland in our brain and as I mentioned  earlier, it will be activated during sleep.With aging,we sleep less,so the consequences is clear here.So more sleep =more GH but you shouldn't induce it artificially using drug or alcohol.The irony is,with aging ,our problem kept increasing and a peaceful sleep seems impossible,right?

The other closely related hormone is IGF;Insulin-like-growth factor.It is released by liver and regulate fat burning.It help regulates blood sugar when you 're not eating.What the difference between IgF and insulin?

Insulin regulate blood sugar when you eat and IgF does the same when you're not eating.
Walking helps because it's regulates insulin and prevent insulin resistance.The cortisol effect can be lessen by gentle massage at the nape of neck,back of the head,around sternum and area above umbilical.Indirectly you are stimulating the parasympathetic nervous system to calm down by massage and this is where acupuncture comes handy. Potassium helps to 'calm ' the parasympathetic system as well along with relaxation activity,breathing exercise,meditation and etc .The exposure of sun light produce good amount of Vitamin D 3 which you can't get the needed large quantity from supplement alone.So,that is why winter blues occurs.Go out,get proper morning sunshine to shine through out the day.


Rather than assuming,feel free to mail me at lakdhes91@gmail if you facing  any serious problem so that I can give an accurate ways to tackle it.Each body is different.Even the mode of delivery of yours,either normal vaginal delivery or you're a c-sec baby makes a lots of difference.So,use this as guidelines but if you feel you need further information,mail me or direct message me on Instagram.If you feel cortisol which is more to acute depressive problem isn't the cause for your misery,then you should read the link below before you mail me.

Overcome Chronic Depression

Be the change that you want to see in the world