Heartache and Betrayal is Part of Today's World
"You still haven't forget her?"Pallavi asked.
I moved the phone away from my ear,close to chest,inhaled deeply and continued talking,"How could I?"
"Get over it Lakdhes,past is past."
I wished it could be that easy to do as she said,"You know what Pallavi,I liked her even before I actually got to know that she going to come and study together with me.Sometimes,I don't know its fated or destiny,but when she left,she took a part of my soul along.It's more like been cursed for a life long.She's elder than me.That's made me attracted to her more because not only her age but her caring character reflecting her age gave a motherly sensation for me back then,"Pallavi was listening calmly.
"I saw how she treated her past relationship.At times I used to say to myself ,how nice if someone was there for me with such an understanding mentality.After more than a year, I'm convinced that she will give the love that I seek without being judgmental."
Pallavi asked with a curious tone,"You mean she was in relationship prior?"
"Yes Pallavi.I didn't went in between or did anything nasty like other guys but now,at times,I felt like I might caused some problem between them at that time.I knew that guy.He was from my school too."
"Listening,"Pallavi said.
"I don't feel like elaborating more about him.Maybe what I had seen during school days might wrong,but the reason they broke up was,she called a day and said that guy went to see a doctor,"while I haven't finish the sentenced,she interrupted.
"He had cancer?"
I laughed."Pallavi,this isn't movie.From what she said and cried,I understand that it's kind of like STD problem.I don't know for sure but she cried for a week because of the betrayal."
"I see,thank god.No girl would wan't such a guy,so who came in between after him?"she enquired.
"All girl aren't smart as you Pallavi,"I teased her.
"Wait,you mean the same shitty guy came in between again?"
I just sighed."Ya,he was super troublesome Pallavi.,up to this day.They had mutual friends so it's a never ending problem.He kept asking her let's go for a holiday after that.He even called me,spoiled my happiness."I explained.
"I got it Lakdhes.I know why an ex tried to bring someone out again.She went?",she asked with a doubt.
I just smiled.I don't know Pallavi.I don't know.She's a nice girl but I don't trust anyone"
Time made me realized that I was wrong.She became confused between me and her past.She told me it's not we, its me, its I. I was wrong again."
"You don't trust me either?'Pallavi muttered.
I smiled,"I didn't say like that.I meant her.Things was going fine between us till a day I saw few pictures that broke my heart.I remembered the day before everything turned upside down,she said I was raised by a queen and that's why I treated her like princess.The next day I saw her real colour behind me.It's not that I was raised such a way,I sculpted myself such a way Pallavi and now I felt lost."
"Did you asked her about it!?"Pallavi asked with an angry tone.
"I did."
"What she said?"questioned Pallavi.
"She said ,'I didn't went and sleep with him with a high voice'."
"Hmmm,forget her please .She don't deserve you,"Pallavi assured.
"I wished I can Pallavi.I'm moving on but I can't simply forget her.It's not just love and attraction Pallavi,It's more like a vow that I made.I will keep watching her from far.She still messaged me once in a while
"You telling that she is giving mixed signal?",
"No Pallavi.I don't see it as mixed signal.She left me.Mixed signal only will be given by people who realized that they made a mistake.For her,whatever she had done,she don't see it as a lie,betrayal or mistake.For her,her happiness and her circle matters.It will never end and nothing will get better anymore."
"The whole shit left me into someone like a high performance athlete.I kept running from everything that can hurt me more,it's just that I don't know if I'm running towards something or away from something.Almost everyone I knew knows her as well.They kept seeing what she doing and what he doing.Whenever they got the chance they gossiped it with me and break me even more."
"Asked them don't Lakdhes",Pallavi worried.
"I did but you know humans,they love to break someone and be happy from it.I'm not over it yet Pallavi so I can't openly talk about it yet.I don't know if I ever will be able to overcome from it.I was real all these while.So I just avoid everyone including relative and sibling.You know what Pallavi,she didn't even remember what she did to me.She never even follow me on social media but she following that guy.At times I felt like a loser Pallavi."
Pallavi took a pause and continued with a smile,"No Lakdhes.Stop assuming."
I exhaled and told her,"she said she needed someone that she don't have to think and worry about.I recently checked my diary Pallavi.She wrote there that she was dying.I didn't get it back then but when I removed the lens of love and see it clearly, I can see how bad was my choice.She used to scolded me stop carrying your childhood memories and living your present life."
"When I started to study more,I got to know that our adulthood love is basically derived from our childhood experiences.What we faced,seek or molded then is what became our expectations in our relationship in the future.My whole story was messed up from beginning .It still driving me else where Pallavi."
"My mistake was ,I loved everyone around me more than I loving myself and that's why it turned out bad.I always said that I'm an asset and not a liability to lose."
"At time,I wondered what is and was my asset.My asset is I'm willing to sacrifice anything that I want for other's smile.I don't get vaccinated but will do it for others ,I don't check my blood but will bring others, I don't buy food for myself but for people around me to eat.Even if I'm super bored and I need my laptop ,I will give it to people around me that needed it more.The list goes on .It's always about others than me.It was too late before I realized that I can only give from an overflowing cup not from a half empty cup otherwise it will causes pain for myself while the rest will be smiling sucking my soul."
"It doesn't mean that I was too good Pallavi.I'm not.When the betrayal was so obvious and suspicions entered subtly added with their suspicious act,things got out of hand.I needed a mother while she needs a friend.As a chain reaction I became reactive to everything she did and finally raised my hand when I'm no more sane;something that a man should never do. Doesn't matter even if she's the one who started,I wouldn't die if a girl hit me and I realized it's too late. Intoxication method to overcome my reality that I chosen then drove me somewhere that I can't rewrite my story with her..I learned later that during first era people need partners to help with their work,perhaps partner in crime.Then came the era where people seek partner because of real love.They are willing to spend boring time together.I neglected my era and tried to be in the second era.Now it's not about love,it's about how you can help to lift life of your partners.If you not making them feel good,not entertaining,either they leave or they cheat. I'm well aware that girls are from Venus and most of the time they only needs listening ears.Yet I'm not that person that show sympathy.I showed empathy that's where it went wrong.I shouldn't do that with the girl I loved. I listen and try to fix it because I felt if I don't look for solution,the same problem kept emerging soon or later.Most of the time she labelled me indecisive but in my head ,I knew I'm not giving her options,I took 20 different things,made my decision and gave the best 5 for her to choose.For her it's options but for me it's different.I just wanted the best for her so I gave her the privilege to choose the best from my decision.I tried to lead without making myself seems superior whenever I'm with her.I don't even treat anyone such a way.I don't even let my friends to touch my books but I be selfless with her because ..."I stopped without finishing my sentence..
"Because you loved her that much Lakdhes,right?"Pallavi ended the sentence with a question which I never really answered with words.
"Now I know why you always preferred to be isolated and alone,"Pallavi sighed.
"You still want her right?"Pallavi asked with a mixed tone.
"Pallavi,the moment she let her past showed up in her life again,she failed in my context.Trust should be earned.She gave the pain that will never vanish from my life.It's like a life long curse.Nothing will be back to normal .Even if she cared now,it really frightened me Pallavi.I lost that battle and certain things aren't worth nor deserve fighting for."When my mum teased me why I'm so sensitive towards a girl, I just smiled.I don't have hard feelings towards my mum.She was the best but her way could be better.If it was,I would be better in everything today without the need of trying hard .."
"I have never ever slept on my mother's lap,hugged her nor leaned on her chest when I'm terribly down .I don't.I won't even hold my mum's hand for nothing.This girl was the first person that showed me that comfort.I don't want her anymore Pallavi but if I see her in problem,I might go and fix it and leave.It's not love.It's my nature I guess but let say if I have some one else in my life,I will never keep in touch with her, giving hope for one and screwing another.I won't.She's not even in my FB or Insta list.That's not me."
"Time will heal everything Lakdhes."Pallavi ensured.
"Even now,when I saw her with a pale look,my whole day got ruined wondering if she's fine or not.I knew nice guy always finish last.Honestly,I can't see her getting married to someone else Pallavi.At the same time I can never be with such a girl.Selfishness and selflessness should be in balance.Imbalance will causes more pain in the future.Somehow I will get used to it the next day,but whatever it is,I just want her to be happy for real.Despite all the heartache,she made me realized my weakness and vulnerability quite early in my life.I don't have to and I won't repeat those mistakes again with any girl in the future.There's a good in bad right.I love the teetotalism and spiritualistic life that I'm living now.I don't even feel like doing anything that can hurt my health or happiness of people around me .The lessons that I learnt made me who am I today.She will read or listen about me in the future.It's her miss but if her husband hurt her in future,I will break his jaw,that's a promise!"
*If I'm still here 😊
No comments:
Post a Comment