Be Comfortable with Uncomfortable

                Such a romantic toilet 🤭

Came back Penang after 2 months.
It's a different feeling I would say.Limited time and your mind meandering to do lot of things in that short period of time.
When I woke up,I still have a feeling like I'm in Klang.The brain was confused.

It wasn't a pleasant feeling.
It's all hospital scenes in my dreams.It's not that I'm happily dreaming them.They unwantedly  came even there.
The body is here, thinking is somewhere else and the soul is desperately wishing to be totally in a a different place.

It happened to everyone that pays a visit once in a while I guess.

What we really want,who we really wished to be,what we wished to do next are the constant questions in my head..

Then I realized, don't do things that make you happy.It's a wrong concept.
Beer makes you happy.
Secret recipe's cake makes you extremely happy.
Doing nothing and watching movie makes you happy.
Doing something uncomfortable is the real game changer of life.
I learnt it recently.
Being comfortable with being uncomfortable is the only thing that produce growth and growth is always, I mean always unpleasant.
But if you like the process atleast a tiny part of it,you will eventually be happy doing them even if it's uncomfortable.

The Dilemma of Working Life's Stress

                       

There's always an entirely different story behind everyone of us.
Behind our fake smile,our pain and our suffering.
The hardest part to digest it was;it was because of another human.
Every work field,not only medical but companies, factories etc have their own hierarchy.

If I starts a company or a hospital one day,the utmost quality of my premise will be smiling and treating everyone with care and compassion.
That's a simple single thing that we human could offers to another fellow  human for free.
But in this dog eating dog millennium,that seems like a widely forgotten human instinct.
It's going to be 2020 but deep inside we're going backwards in humanity.
Maybe that is why robots are going to rule us a day;soon.
Because we lost our way with evolution.

Different people, different work fields but the problem is one. 

Cord Blood and Cord Lining Collections : I Learnt From My Patient |It's a Miracle To Be a Woman

She came for reduced fetal movement and her baby seems smaller than she supposed to be.Yes it was a girl.

"Madam, you're baby seems smaller than the gestational age.That's one part and you came for reduced fetal movement right?"I asked.

"Ya usually she will complete 10 kicks by 7pm but today ,it was only 7 kicks by 7pm..But for now she completed 10 kicks already," she said.
It was 1045pm and I was listening.
I saw her profile and she was a fully paid patient at a particular government Hospital,which means her entire process of delivery, from blood taking, inserting branula upto delivering placenta will be conducted by a specialist.
I have no job scope there. 🤭

"Okay,like this madam,we have two options,one we can wait and monitor the baby's movement which means you will do it manually by filling up the labour progress chart(LPC) and there will be ctg monitoring twice daily as well to monitor baby's heart beat and maternal well being.
If baby's heart rate is less than 110 or more than 160 for a constant period of time,we might push you to emergency caesarean.Next we can induce you with some medicine that can initiate the labour process," I explained and she interrupted.
"Synto?"
"No madam,synto is actually augmentation.To tell you in a simple way, induction is initiation of the process and augmentation is to enhance the process,"I explained.

"With induction, there are some adverse effects like hyperstimulation,fetal distress,if there's previous scar of caesarean,risk of uterine rupture and almost all can leads to emergency caesarean. The call is yours,you want to wait for a day and manually monitor it or you want to induce?"I gave the options and waited.

"If any doubt ,you can ask me more."

"I paid for cord blood and cord lining collection already.Do they do it here and send to the lab that I paid?"she asked.

I knew about cord blood and the use of it for thalassemia but what's cord lining I wondered.Every patient is like a thousand books and million experiences that I'm new to.
I asked her more and she explained she paid RM16,000 to store it for 21 years.
You can use it if you're baby is ill upto 21 years.Multiple times and you can even use for yourself for various conditions.Stem cell is a God' miracle.

"Is there any cheaper package?"I asked.

"I'm not sure..They told me but I don't remember,"she said.

She explained that just to take the blood is Rm2000 each so initially process might be less than RM 5000 then the storage per year might be few hundreds for government Hospitals.Only selected Hospitals have such privileges.

"Where did you learn all this?"I asked naively.
I'm the doctor there but she knew more regarding this.

"I went for a program .It was conducted in private Hospitals.They teach everything regarding labour,how to breastfeed and including this cord blood.It was cheap,some Hospital charged Rm50 and the one I went was only Rm25 including lunch and the whole program was half a day," she explained.

I learnt more regarding it and I too did my own reading about it after I came back.If any doubt feel free to comment .I have to go so I make it short here.Dear pregnant ladies,all the best and if you and your husband is a thalassemic carrier,I encourage you to do it.The parents dna is 50% efficient and the next born's dna is only 25% efficient.At the same time if both parents is a carrier then it won't be that useful but might be useful for other conditions.

Each moment during scanning,whenever the doctor gave an unpromising look,I saw the patient's face.

She was very worried because the baby looks smaller than the previous scan.

To be a mother,to be a female is not a small thing.. It's a gift.Everyday I'm seeing do many people, different experiences but the love of a mother towards their babies remains the same.Almost every mother could remember the birth weight if their babies that born in 1989.

I smiled when ever the gave the accurate measurements,2.57kg .

I wondered how they could do that infact each and everytime I asked..

Love do miracles I learnt.

My respect towards the opposite gender increase day by day with their astonishing sacrifices.

To every girls and woman that I hurt deliberately or unwilling , I'm sorry.

The Root of Human Existence :To Experience

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"Doctor,do you ever felt depressed during your time as a houseman?"I asked naively.
She smiled,looked at me and said,"depressed ,not really but the stressed was always there."
"Why you're depressed is it?"she questioned.
"Not exactly ,but when someone is very strict, scolding for no reason,it felt uncomfortable and unpleasant to work,"I sighed.

"That's normal.I was very malignant once .Then I changed,"she admitted.
"Why that sudden change Doctor?"I asked.I don't call anyone as boss.I'm not very fond with that word and I don't really know why.
"With time I understand that I don't have to scold for everything,just say it in nice way would be sufficient ,"she said while both of us walking to room14 from hdr.Hdr is for patient that need more serious care during labour.

"See lakdhes,sometime when people scold you,take it this way.Learn the thing that you lacked and was the reason for the scolding and sometimes it's about them.I can change myself but I can't ask other mos to change right?"
I just silently nodded.
"You can learn more things actually,not in medical basis but a part from it during these situations,"she continued and reached her water bottle to take a sip.
"But doctor,we only live once right.. . Does the stress actually worth it?Being in hospital for 24hours as an mo.."I interrupted.
My question stopped her halfway from drinking.
She looked at me with a puzzled sight.
"Sometimes when my 2 and half years old daughter is closer with my husband than me, I do felt one kind but she paused without an answer..No one ever asked me that you know..,"she acclaimed.

"What's your biggest life goal doctor,"I continued my interview.Past 2 months I spoke to so many people to know more about their perception of life ,job and do they really happy and the conclusion is, everybody is living but not 100 % happy nor satisfied with what they're doing.

They  doing for the sake of living and going with the flow.
"Goals, I didn't think about it la..Maybe was busy with hospital life and got carried away..I have been in O&G for 10 years you know.."she said.

"Like write a book, become hod, specialist,"I tried to give her some hint to really understand what's her deepest desire and the answer was the same,she didn't think about it.

I realized  that people that never have such thoughts,never experienced certain things that made them realize that life is only once,live it in a way that even after your demise, people should remember your name for 100 years; they're just going with the flow..Living one day after another,turning one page after another without actually writing a readable story.
They don't really know what is their story about hence they seems fine with whatever life's adversity.
'That's life'- they labelled it that way.
They don't wish to see the Hawaiian clear sky and the cluster of Andromeda from Earth,they don't wish to experience the beauty of Switzerland,they don't wish to see the Artic snow,they don't wish to see volcanic mountain nor experience the coldness of Everest.They just don't have a greater desire,the root of human existence and evolution;TO EXPERIENCE THINGS.
But for someone with a definite purpose and goal mixed with realities's uncertainty,they started to rebel it , became unhappy with the current situation when they realized it's not favourable for them to achieve their goal.
That's the feeling that will make them take that one bold decision that other ordinary people would never even thought about.

During Caesarean Section |Life's Reality

"I still can feel the pain,"patient said.

She's on table for past 45 minutes but the spinal anaesthetic is still not full working.

The numbness only present over right side.

It happens for patient with two previous caesarean,the anesthesiologist's medical officer said.

I was already scrubbed in and was standing there.

As a house officer ,all I could do was: just stand.

I stood there for another 20 minutes.Mo and the scrub nurse went and sat on the chair.

While I was day dreaming how  I could end this unnecessary stress and just put a full stop for this mess,  I could feel the baby's move.

I'm not sure if its kicking but I could felt it on my palm.

It's a beautiful feeling.

Yet can't justify my decision.

I looked around.Some are smiling and laughing for real,some are tensed while the rest just going with the flow with a poker face.

In this ever expending cosmos,floating in complete darkness and we're just a tiny dot in it,why does humans have to face such amount of stress, unhappiness and pain?

Our life has no meanings, it can end tomorrow or an hour later but why do we have so much dramas in between..

Why does God brought such suffering to some of us when He is the one that created us here?

I still can't figure it out.

An hour later, elective lower segment caesarean started.

Abdomen was opened layer by layer but we can't reach the uterus.

There were lot of adhesion.

"Indian won't eat jamu ke?" surgeon asked meaning don't you indians take herbs after delivery?

"I'm not sure but most won't I guess,"I replied.

Mutton and chicken curry every weekend, that's all I knew and as a consequence it

it leads to terrible health and obesity.

The patients was 156kg.

Just retracting her abdominal fat for exposure and the fundal pressure to help the expulsion of the baby made my right arm extremely weak.

Maybe eating the right herbal food after caesarean can help the uterus to contract fast and prevent it from adherent to peritoneal walls I thought.

A question that left unanswered.

"Ala,you go to gym also can be tired is it?"surgeon asked.

Gym is like short distance running and this is like long distance running I felt.Standing there for 2 hours and 45 minutes was tiring. Repeating the same process since 630am to 9pm was worse and my bad luck,most of the patient were obesity class 2 and 3 .

It was OT,my favorite place,hand full of bloods yet I can't achieve the flow still.

Stars, moon, rocket,space, Forbes, pallavi;only those were the thing in my head for now.

For the first time in my life, I regretted for not choosing engineering.

Butterfly Effect | Every Decision Counts

4.30A.M,4th Dec 2019
Woke up from a nightmare.
A dream that I was so afraid of for many years and in the end,I know, that's the reality.

She left me, marrying someone.
It's been 9 years knowing her.
She came,she left,she came again.
It's like a movie.
An emotion squeezing scenes after scene.
I heard early morning dreams will came true.
Something that I don't wish to see.
Even in a dream state it felt so painful.
It woke me up from a tiring deep sleep.
What will happen,how would it be when her mum pulled the hand that was holding mine away from me?
Standing there emotionlessly, feeling ' you're meant to be unfortunate so digest it ' is a feeling that I cant put into words.
It's painful.The pain could be felt in the forms of increased heart beats , shallow breathing and that real chest pain.

Stand there,feel it, experience it.
It all meant to happen.
Things that could be totally different 9 years back.A single night,a single decision and my life went up side down.
Lost all the laughter,all the connections,all the bondings and the most important,all the true loves.
I wish I could go back in time, relived everything with a better decisions.
Avoid that friend request,avoid that country,avoid that night,avoid that decision.
10 years later, I'm on my bed,4.49am in the morning,burden in my heart, pain all over my body, accomplish nothing but won pain after pain.
She's the best and the worst thing ever happened to me.The reason of my suffering ,dysfunctionality.Loneliness .
Wonder,where life goes..
Why so much pain?
For the sake of breathing?
It's not fair I felt.
Whatever decision, decide wisely.
Everything might meant to happen or maybe like butterfly effect,we choose the way consciously and it leads to one and another.
Maybe al the pain that we experienced , experiencing in life is just a sequel of our bad decisions.
Whatever it is,I wish I could sit again in that park,looking at the lake,silence and smiles for no reason.That chilling rain drops and her warm hands.
Surrounded by peace even though in the middle of annoying boat sound.
It was very comfortable.
The time I really lived each seconds of life.
That's no more within me,even though I'm still breathing.

The Mistake of Choosing Our Careers

We were having the same discussion.
'I want to quit housemanship.'

I wished the same too, I thought.

But let's go into the future.
You send your resignation letter,you quit and then..
One week later?
The same friends will be going to their work,post their stories.
Initially it would be peaceful but what if you regret for quiting?
What if you could manage it and stay there?
What if you feel like joining back?
Wait again , wasting another few more months?
Imagine what people around you would say?
Imagine being jobless ,being rejected in your interviews for being overqualified..

Lost 9kgs of hard earned muscle in just 4 weeks .

Thank you MBSS 😒👏🏽

Well in my opinion,quit only if you have a clear plan or goal that you really feel like going after.
Every work environment will be stressful..
It's not guaranteed that the other job will be less stressful or will give you some sort of fullfillment.
Unless you really decided on what you want to do and willing to suffer for it.

In my case,if I can pursue into space industry and have to study physics ,astronomy  or work day and night for Naveen Jain,Nasa,Isro or Space X;I'm willing to let go this stress and happily face that.
Or if I have to crush my brain to produce a song or movie in film industry, I'm willing to let this shit go.

The moment I think about these two,it made me happy instantly..
If there's anything that make you feeling such a way,then do it only when you're certain that you can start it the next 1 2 days..
Otherwise , it's not a risk worth taking.

Cortisol,stress,night shift are considered carcinogen for me.
My life isn't worth it to suffer for the sake of what someone would say but we all have commitments.We have bills to pay unless you're a super rich kid.

My thinking pattern is this.
If I'm an O&G specialist and one day my kid is suffering from a major illness, I still can't do anything with my expertise.
I will be hoping for a pediatric specialist to take care of him.
But If I'm a Forbes figure, millionaire,I can hire world's top 3 specialist and offer them a BMW if they cure my child.

That's a different  way of thinking.
If it's you, don't quit because of the stress,leave only when you found your niche and what you really passionate about ,what you going to do next and certain that even if your plan didn't work out,but you will be satisfied for trying.Just play safe with the regret that you might experience later.

Did I say quit or don't quit?
Be smart with your decision.
Life is only once.
Do what makes your heart beats faster when you think about it.
Not because of anxiety but the excitement of trying to achieve it.
When you die a day,the world should remember your name.Otherwise suffering for sake of money or what someone might say is just a complete waste of living this only one time opportunity called life.

This shit definitely going to kill me. 😅

It was a Rollercoaster Ride.

                  That's my simba.

My companion .

Getting a new shoe was a big deal back then.

How i build 6 pack.Home gym.

Notorious med student.

It was exam week.Winter and exam is a painful combo.

My protein shaker

Training sharma at home

Even without electricity,the discipline was always there.

Post written.

The day I knew I failed my exam 29th April.

Memorable holiday

December 3.Exactly one year ago.

Politics

New chapter of life

The place where I spent most of my time

The day I did my video in a different way.

Those days where I had the time to mesmerized the beauty of moon

My alphalagully street

My cheap gym yet effective

Walking on mud seems enjoyable.

The day someone cheated my 4500taka

Yet i made new friends

Real friends

The day i did dressing for a wound on street

My diet food

Sharma

My art

Next day was surgery ospe yet i trained

My herbal tea

Getting a flight ticket was a battle then

Achievement

Leaving the house

Last 2 days

My logbook was actually empty 

My diet food

My cd collection

Last day

Shiva temple

My first apartment

Sarwar mansion

Gc durga temple

Noman

My gym

Our dreams

That last night in Chittagong

Sold everything

Dhaka embassy

The last hotel I stayed in Bangladesh

Leaving Bangladesh for good 

My ponytail

Last selfie with sharma before departure.

Worst and best days

One day, even though I'm no more my memories will be here to cherish forever.
It was a emotional rollercoaster.
Fun , painful, emotional, experience for life.
Today I'm not sure where I'm heading but definitely not according to my plan.
It's time to change everything.