Every Life Starts by Winning but World Turned Many Into A Loser
Elon Musk vs Human Mask
"Where have you been?"
Why you didn't answer my calls?",Pallavi asked the moment I answered her call after her 27th missed calls.
"Sorry,just came back from gym,"I said while arranging my study table full of medicines.
"Gym?You going to get your stitches ruptured and then you will know!"she said with a stern voice."You should get rest right? Don't do anything silly."
I can see her concern,"but lying on bed all day doesn't seems alive Pallavi.I need the motion.Without the sun,added by rain and winter simultaneous, I felt terrible.That's why I went but I was careful though.I make sure my jaws was relaxed through out the training,"I reassured.
"Did you eat anything? ",she questioned.
"Yes," I said while jotting down notes about quantum theory that I went through yesterday night in my special notebook.
"What you ate?Don't eat anything too hot,"said Pallavi while being in the middle of traffic..I can listen to the sound of the traffic around her.
"I ate tablets."
"That's all?","At least drink soup,don't be like this.What if you ended up with gastritis?"she said with a worried tone.
I don't know if I like the care.It feels nice when someone cared towards me but at the same time,it's frightened me inside.
"Omeprazole is there as a saver.Don't worry Pallavi .I didn't take pain killers.It's just took metronidazole and cephradine.I'm used to pain.I don't need them.The dentist said she going to give me the strongest pain killer.I thought it's tramadol at least,but it was etoricoxib 90mg.She must be making fun I guess."
"I don't know if you're strong or you just faking it like you're strong ,"Pallavi sighed.
"Both I guess.Before the minor surgery,she said she going to give me a super medicine.I was wondering what could be that med that I'm not aware of.Later I learnt that it's diazepam.The pharmacist was worried if I have hypertension or any illnesses before he gave it."
I smiled to my self Pallavi. Those are like tic tac for me some years back.
"Dont worry,I'm right here.Is it still painful?"her sweetness never decrease even a percent since the day I know her.
I just smile.
"Is she actually a qualified BDS doctor?"How can she be so careless?!"Please take the pain killer and get some rest,"said Pallavi.
"Don't scold her,she did her best.My tooth was as strong as me I guess,"I joked.
"Before she started the procedure,she recited prayers.That's showed her concern at the same time it scares me.She struggled to pull the remaining half with extra effort and that's what leaded to the palate's wound because it's hard to control stopping velocity in that tiny oral space right?
I'm blessed that my mandibular joint is still intact,it was that painful..It's understandable Pallavi.
During the procedure,suddenly they stopped and put vaseline kinda substance to my right cheek and angle of my mouth.I knew she mistakenly injured my cheek but it's was only today I realized even the angle of right lips was slightly torn.That's why it's hard to talk nor open my mouth widely.You might guessed it from the way I'm speaking right?
The are blisters and bruises all around my oral cavity.That's nothing compare to when the gum got cut when she pressed too hard using the blade.It felt numb for sometime but with time the pain became more obvious and the worst of all was when she mistakenly cut the side of my tongue."
"WHAT??!"Pallavi was surprised.
I laughed,"It's my fault.With the diminishing numbness,it became hard for me to control my tongue from interrupting their work.If she hold my tongue,I nauseated.It wasn't their fault.The pain caused reflex tear rolled from my right eye."
"She said in Bengali,"don't cry,you're not a kid. Infact I wasn't ,I told her.It tears of joy.I was suffering for 12 months and it's going to end today.I was humming my favorite song so that they don't feel bad.It made them laughed and worked with less anxious .After all they're human too right.I knew that feeling It's just that they operating inside mouth and I have done it at sites other than inside of a mouth.Before she started I told her Pallavi,back in Malaysia,we have this thing where each year they will do free dental check up during our primary school.I'm super afraid of it not because of the pain,but because the nurses will always scolded me because I will nauseated when ever she put her fingers in my mouth.The latex smell of gloves and when she touched the inner part of my mouth,it seriously made me suffered.So during standard 5,when I went into that Sekolah Kebangsaan Alma Jaya's dental clinic,I saw that green dental report card which contain records for that whole 6 years .
It was there and I noticed no one was seeing me.So I took it and misplaced the record at the place where they kept record of students who already got checked. I walked out proudly after done that 'crime' and went to class. I lied to my mother too.Unfortunately the next year,because I skipped a year of check up,I ended up with much worse trauma;caries which was super painful during fixation procedure.I told her that event made me super phobic and that's why I didn't even try to go and check with a dentist for years. I told them I'm here again in a dental clinic after 14 years and if can, don't scold me like the nurses back then if I ever feel like vomiting.
Pallavi gave a loving smile and before she said something,I interrupted,"you go and do your work first Pallavi.This is normal.Whatever this place touches will ended up this way.Be it repairing a laptop,phone,tab,health ,studies or life.It gave the effects of inner city.Most of the time it ended up disastrous with the thing it came in contact.I will be fine.You carry on.We talk later ,"I assured.I knew she's busy."If it's super painful I will take a cold shower,"I reassured.
"Use hot water.Don't inflict more pain Lakdhes,"Pallavi said with a caring tone."You made me worried almost everyday.I can't figure out what's in your mind.Don't be weird like this please."
That made me laugh out loud."If I can't keep my self uncomfortable for 5 minute with that cold water,I definitely can't do the thing that I wanted to do Pallavi and stop figuring out me ..Don't think I'm rude but please don't,because I don't want it nor needs it."
She remain silent.That silence was awkward and unpleasant for me.I broke the moment,"Pallavi,don't mistaken me.Soon or later, this feeling will end.It might be dopamine,oxytocin or the worst PEA. I'm sorry Pallavi,I knew sticks and stones might break bones but words will break our heart,"I tried to make her understand.
I don't even feel like explaining much this time to anyone even to her but I knew how it will feels when we hurt people that really care for us by ignoring or by being rude.
There's still no sound from her.
"Are you there?"I asked yet seconds later, still no sound from her side,"Should I hang up?" I continued.
"I'm here,listening.Hurt me more,"she said.
Her voice and her cute way of expressing her sorrow made me smile.
"Pallavi,let me share with you something."
"Tell,"she replied in a split second.
"Don't get excited.It' nothing relevant about emotional garbage. ,"I exclaimed while heating up the water kettle to make coffee.I can hear she clearing her tears from her nose.I smiled while cutting that 10taka coffee packet with scissor.
"It's okay,as long you talk something with me,it feels good,"she said..
"Pallavi,have your heard about this girl,Pramodini Rual,known as Rani..?"
"I don't know,who's that?"
I smiled,"she's from your country Pallavi,from Bhubaneswar,Orissa."
"She's had been returning from home after an exam with her cousin when a 28-year-old man cycled biked past and doused her with acid. He was a paramilitary soldier, melting her skin and blinding her in both eyes simple because she had turned down his marriage proposal."
"She can't walk for 4 years,can't even bent her neck because the acid melted her neck bone and it took police 9 years to record her statement,as you know the system since that motherfucker was in military,so.. ,"I explained while she was listening quietly.
"When I compare my pain to her or people out there that suffering for real,this is nothing right?"
"Maybe,but I'm more concern about you,"she replied in a way that I really don't know how to react wondering if I should cherish her concern towards me or be mad for being bias like the rest of the world.Seconds later,she sighed and asked me,"why are you so concerned about such people?"You could focus more on you right?What you can do to them?Nothing,right"
I just smiled while sipping my hot coffee.
"When I was small,I was at my grandparents house and my twin sister was with my mum.I loved my grandmother but I remembered few incidents Pallavi,"I said while she was listening silently.
"I knew that my grandmother used to secretly asked me not to talk to my mum,be it on phone or in person.In front of my mum or others, she will be normal.I don't get it back then but I remembered this incident,it was during Diwali season."
My parents came to bring me back.It was my grandmother who prepared me with new clothes and everything but inside the room,when we both were alone,she said this to me while talcumed my face,' your mum will call you later to bring you back,but you shouldn't follow her back.You must tell that you don't want to go.'
Even now I don't know why I followed her words but when I went out,I said as what my grandmother asked me to say.My sister took back the toy gun that she gave me when I refused to follow them back.I was standing and looking what's happening and I remembered my grandmother said this to my father,'you and me aren't related,only money are related'."
When they brought me back after years to my parents house,on that day prior 'kidnapped', I remembered my uncle hides me in his home.I remembered he told me to hide behind the last room's door.I sneaked out and saw my father and my elder sister going front and back of the house on a bike. I don't remember much but the next thing in my memory was,I saw shop lots near my real house's area in town,being sandwiched between my father and sister on a bike.I'm so used to be at village.That concrete terrace house seems like a prison.
The feeling of going back to my grandparent's place was extremely intense.It felt like suffocating but I can't cry out loud.I broke the toys in anger,I don't mix with my siblings and I made so much chaos in the beginning .Whenever I cried I wanted to go back to village,my mum have a technique.I wont voice out what I want because I'm scared of my mum so I cried silently.My mum will give a slap and told me,' don't cry for no reason,cry with a reason and that slap is the reason."
"She never beats me often.She wasn't cruel or what Pallavi,it's just that she don't know how to change me.I'm super good with adapting and hiding my feeling. I'm a fast learner I guess.Time flew and the intensity of feeling like going back to my grandparents became less intense but I love them more than my mum.I like my father more than mum because she tried to manage me by inducing fear and my father won't even say nor talk anything to me.My mum, even up to this day felt her way was correct but she don't realized what she had done to me in long term.I spoke about it once and I learnt that she's adamant that she's correct all the time."
"She used to compare me with my twin sister by saying you both born together ,why can't you be like her,why can't you speak English like her and bla bla bla without realizing the mistake that she had done."
"There was a day when my mum didn't cook so my father bought rice from shop outside.It must be night after 10pm because my father went to bed already when this incident happened. He always go to bed at 10pm because he have to get up early the next morning.We just finished watched a movie on television and I started to eat right away when the movie ended.I usually hate sharing and I remember I was holding the drumstick and enjoy eating it because I owned it even though I was sharing the rice with my sisters. "
"From no where,during our conversation ,topic about my grandmother came in.At that age ,I don't know that my grandmother was just pretending,so I loved her a lot.I supported her neglecting my mother's care.I hate it when someone says something bad about her.She got mad,"I paused.
"What happened?""If you don't feel like telling it's okay,"Pallavi assured.
"No,nothing like that,she wasn't mad, perhaps got hurt by my behavior would be more appropriate word," I said and continued,"she beat me and made me sat outside on the shoe rack.My legs wont reach the ground when I sat on top of the rack so I remembered that day clearly because I saw my oscillating legs and it was full moon.While crying looking at the moon, I wished to the the moon how nice it would be if someone come and save me from this heart ache .Then my father who was sleeping heard I'm crying outside, came and brought me in.I don't remember what happened next.Maybe she did something , tried to make me better,asked sorry etc I don't know.Only that intense sorrow is there in my mind now.She don't remember this when I asked but the consequences of event like these were deep Pallavi. It made me became fake.Even when I felt like saying something I don't say it out loud.I kept within me.If she found a better way to deal with me back then,I would be better in many term too yet.."
"you know what,a part from the fakeness,it created this thought to help such people ,not solely from childhood experiences but also due to discrimination I faced here in Bangladesh.Whenever I see someone cry or suffer,I always had this feeling that I should be their hope,never let them suffer alone inside."I explained while leaned back on my chair ,raised my hand and kept the empty coffee cup at the corner of my study table.
"I born with a girl Pallavi.,"I continued."Sometime I wondered how would I look if the sperm next to me won the race but not me.I'm sure that we wouldn't look the same.If you see my twin sis,she's a different sperm into a different ovum and she's completely different,be it look,gender ,characters or traits.Every life starts by winning but so called life and circumstances turned them into a loser and sufferer later.It's not fair."
"Elon wants to bring human to Mars.It's great.After all,human loves traveling and nothing wrong with it.. But somehow,where ever we go, we have to come back.right.Nothing gives the comfort like home but if home literally turned into an unsafe ,fucked up place with bad assholes then where else we can go for shelter and comfort.Well, its fine for me.I have 'wings' to fly but how about those birds that can't even fly?.At least their home should be safe right?
"This is a men made world Pallavi and only a man can change it ,be it for good or bad."
"But Lakdhes,it's not easy...In fact,it's impossible to make the world a safe place for everyone to live,it's damaged beyond repairable,"Pallavi stated.
"Maybe I can't change the whole world and the whole human population don't deserve it too honestly,but I can keep my surrounding to be a better place to live right?I can make people who suffered and suffering powerful right?Doesn't matter if I need to be an Iron Man or Batman,what have to be done should be done."
"My friend once told me,action speaks louder than words.I kept quiet and walked away but that night I realized words are more powerful than action.Words started the whole paradigm .Your action was leaded by the thoughts in your head and it's always started as words.Everything that you bring out to the world created twice.Before they become tangible in your action,you created them in your mind as words which means nothing is ever impossible Pallavi."
"If you can see it in your mind,if you have the courage enough to speak about it,it will happen"
"When I said it to someone, a person once asked me,if it's true,then transport human to Mars in a second.That's a legit question but still,I'm adamant with my point,nothing is impossible. It might seems not possible now ,but with time everything is possible.About a century back,flying isn't possible.Roughly half decade back, going to moon isn't possible.It's just a matter of time before certain so called impossible thing become possible. Who knows years from now,even teleportation nor time travel will be possible,including better life at home.; As long as people that never buy such words 'impossible' are there in this world."
"Understand Lakdhes,but show some concern about your life too,"Pallavi requested with her as usual loving tone.
"Pallavi,honestly I'm melting with your care and voice,but keep the emotion aside.I came from stardust and I'm going to end as stardust..Before I departure,I will do something about it.
never taste my punch -superman
Smallest xray-IOPA
Intraoral peri apical
Swollen Face
back to routine
