Butterfly Effect | Every Decision Counts

4.30A.M,4th Dec 2019
Woke up from a nightmare.
A dream that I was so afraid of for many years and in the end,I know, that's the reality.

She left me, marrying someone.
It's been 9 years knowing her.
She came,she left,she came again.
It's like a movie.
An emotion squeezing scenes after scene.
I heard early morning dreams will came true.
Something that I don't wish to see.
Even in a dream state it felt so painful.
It woke me up from a tiring deep sleep.
What will happen,how would it be when her mum pulled the hand that was holding mine away from me?
Standing there emotionlessly, feeling ' you're meant to be unfortunate so digest it ' is a feeling that I cant put into words.
It's painful.The pain could be felt in the forms of increased heart beats , shallow breathing and that real chest pain.

Stand there,feel it, experience it.
It all meant to happen.
Things that could be totally different 9 years back.A single night,a single decision and my life went up side down.
Lost all the laughter,all the connections,all the bondings and the most important,all the true loves.
I wish I could go back in time, relived everything with a better decisions.
Avoid that friend request,avoid that country,avoid that night,avoid that decision.
10 years later, I'm on my bed,4.49am in the morning,burden in my heart, pain all over my body, accomplish nothing but won pain after pain.
She's the best and the worst thing ever happened to me.The reason of my suffering ,dysfunctionality.Loneliness .
Wonder,where life goes..
Why so much pain?
For the sake of breathing?
It's not fair I felt.
Whatever decision, decide wisely.
Everything might meant to happen or maybe like butterfly effect,we choose the way consciously and it leads to one and another.
Maybe al the pain that we experienced , experiencing in life is just a sequel of our bad decisions.
Whatever it is,I wish I could sit again in that park,looking at the lake,silence and smiles for no reason.That chilling rain drops and her warm hands.
Surrounded by peace even though in the middle of annoying boat sound.
It was very comfortable.
The time I really lived each seconds of life.
That's no more within me,even though I'm still breathing.