They Made Me Hate It

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We spoke about this this in 2015.
With my best friend
Maybe certain things takes some time or maybe I never try hard enough
One to another leads to a to e.
Those were all constructive conversation but one thing I realized,alone you can go far,with a team you can go further.

Thank you  for your wonderful voice.It's something beyond my imagination initially.

It's gyne onco from today and they made me hate being here.

Morning 830am,Mo said

"He's hopeless,I don't need him here."

More humans,more stories but I learnt that..
Certain stories.. certain ending is just a comma..Not a real ending.

Whatever it is..
But giving up isn't an option.

Those Days Wasn't That Bad

"Do you think it was a mistake?" Both of us shared a subtle glare before utter the next word.

It was 8 years ago.He don't remember much but I do.
It was still fresh in my hippocampus, embedded deeply.

That day  began chaotically but
as usual it ended up really well.
Really well. "I do,"he said.

He must be lying,I thought. "Time flies right?" I just smile..
"Ya..." "A day before,it was very stressful,"he sighed.

He was using phone during lecture and the physiology hod saw and asked him to answer her question.
He was standing like a statue and 206 eyes were looking at him including mine. "The person next to him, please stand up,"the late head of department ordered.

I looked around and realized it was me.The joy of ' luckily it was not me ended in a split of second.'
That's the last time I sat next to him.

It was indeed a stressful situation but when reminiscing it today, it wasn't that bad.

Maybe current days too might felt the same few years from now.

I'm Going To Give You A Tight Slap

"I'm going to give you a tight slap and will extend you for 3 months then you will become specialist in O&G,"

he said with a rude sinister smile.

It spoiled my entire night.

I'm not a kid for someone to threw such words.

Be it an MO nor a specialist.

It annoys me.

Deep inside,it made me realized something.

'I'm not meant to be here .'

It caused me to decide something firmly unlike before.

She came towards me.

"Ignore him."

" He having PMS ,"she joked.

"Sometimes,the heart sees what is invisible to the eyes.
That's the cause of confusion,"she said.

I looked at her.
"To untangle ourselves from that?"
I knew many can't answer it yet I asked.

"It's a very unpleasant feeling. One needs a lots of courage to set themselves free from that place."

It was a different answer from the rest,yet not that convincing.

"All things are difficult before they are easy.But sometimes we will be wasting our time by trying to convince ourselves that we're doing what we are destined to do and eventually it will be fine,"she explained while flipping the pages looking for the index.

I looked without saying anything.
It reminds me of my Anatomy lecturer ,Dr.Rakesh.
I learnt to use index than the first page topics to make our search easier from him.

"Those days were hard right?"she asked as if she could read my inner thoughts.
I was puzzled.

"Maybe it meant to happen. Sometimes, it's not to bring us to our current state but to get us to the next unimaginable stage through this current path.It might never make sense nor logically .We went through the past to came here today,but for some, they're not meant to stay but to move to another direction.For that, it's a needful confusing journey that some have to encounters."

She continued,
"Every shadow,no matter how deep it is , will always be threatened by morning light.
You're in the right place, don't worry."

It's a different feeling when someone invited you for the naming ceremony of the baby that you delivered with your hand.

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Bought it at last.

Coming soon.

You Only Appreciate Something When You Don't Have it Anymore |Lesson's From a Shower

"You're on a vacation ,so don't think about all that problems,"she said.

Actually I'm not.That's what I felt.I'm still writing, I'm recording videos for my next vlog and editing them, I'm writing and composing song, still continue medical discussion on daily basic with my friend from different department.We have this routine where I will share what I learnt and he will share something from medical.

My brain wasn't really resting.I'm working,just in a peaceful environment .That's the conclusion I could made.What if housemanship too works in  such a way? That's hard right?

Early morning, I had a dream where I really messed up things and I'm no more a doctor.Elon Mask called and rejected my application.Yes it was a terrible dramatic dream but it made me realize something,you don't appreciate something until you don't have it anymore.

I went into the shower and the water was still cold despite the hotness was already at max.
I looked at it and slowed down the water volume and it hot enough for a comfortable shower.

Why?

When less amount of water passes through the heating coils,more efficient the out come would be.

Am I overdoing with life?No other houseman composing music, writing blog,making videos and going gym.Am I drifting away from what I'm supposed to do?

As per physics,a waterfall's water temperature at the bottom is slightly higher then at the top.

I learnt that, position,the speed and the amount at a certain situation plays crucial role for many aspects.

You doing too much or you should do everything at the right pace depends on your assumption and how you going to see it.

From top it's 6,from bottom it's 9 I thought to my self.

Unpreparedness Leads to Unhappiness |Lesson's From Incomplete Logbook

It's just 4th day of the new year.I'm sitting with the finest beach side view.The sea breeze and wave sounds are so peaceful but I could sensed a feeling of discomfort, unhappiness within me.
What was the reason?
Why? I wondered looking at South China sea's edge as far as my sight allows with a cup of hot coffee.

Maybe because of incomplete logbook,exam on 16th and posting going to end exactly on my birthday,20th Feb 2020.
They will definitely extend me and that's not a problem to be honest.

Maybe..maybe unpreparedness stirred such kind of feelings..What if you're prepared?

Hurting Someone is Contagious | Lesson From A Nurse

"Doctor,you want to order any food?"the nurse asked.
That was first time a nurse asked me if I want to order foods.

"No, it's okay nurse,"I said.

Everything was well.She was kept laughing,making jokes and being cool.

I was literally having good day because coming morning I'm going to Kuantan for a vacation before a disastrous week ahead.

430am and the same person said something rude and became demonic.

I looked at her and she kept being the same.

It wasn't new after all.
The only reason I don't like to be a doctor anymore was this.
People scolding, humiliating and hurting my feeling.I don't like that and that leads to hatred towards this job.

Hours later she came and asked sorry for being like that.

I looked at her and  smiled.

Previously, I learnt that smiling is a gift and only few could possessed such a blessing.

"It's okay nurse.Everyday,each time, from different people, I learnt something here.
Sometimes it's not even medical based, it's more about life.
Today I learnt something from you.
Hurting someone is contagious.
Someone spoiled your mood,perhaps hurts you and you continued the cycle to me and it spoiled my mood.

Before this,I don't really realized  that our problems,when we expressed to others,it might , perhaps definitely will spoils their day.
If I don't get enough sleep, I had been rude to my friends,I showed my anger to my ex gf and spoiled her day as well.I don't realized it back then and thanks to you, I learnt it today."

Hurting others is contagious.When one person hurts us,we tend to hurt another soul.It's a poisonous cycle.That's what I learnt today.

I don't have the interest anymore not because I don't like this job but people around me changed me into this.I lost the interest .I'm not even trying to be better.I'm no more opening and reading my medical books.I'm the slowest and the stupidest houseman in this entire department,I told them.

Maybe not because I am but I don't have the interest anymore.

Thanks to people around me and the ill systems that should nurture love and kindness but insisting the other way around;Fear  and hatred towards the job.It's not building competency but turning many into an incompetent doctor

Smiling is contagious and it's a rare blessing that only some could possess.