It's Hurt because it Matters

 

"You're not starting back?" He asked his friend.

I heard their conversation. They were just few steps away from me. 

"Have too. Not sure when. Did so much of damage in past few months. Too much of pain within ," he sighed.

I don't really understand what's the issue but he continued, "So often we try to make other people feel better by minimizing their pain. By telling them that it will get better;which will with time or  saying that there are worse things in the world."

"There are for sure," his friend uttered. 

"What people really need is for someone to tell them that it hurts because it mattered," he replied. 

I looked at them.

'How true I thought.' 

Sometime I felt, we can't go back and change the beginning. What happened meant to happen.The damage and dramas were there for a reason. But you can start where you are and change the ending. 

 

Why You're Not Getting What You Want | Pygmalion Effect

Have you ever wonder why you're not getting what you want?



I had such thoughts many times in my life.Why it's not happening?
Why am I not getting it,yet?
But in some occasion,I got what I want exactly as I wanted.

Sometime it works, sometime it's not working.
What am I missing here?

This isn't law of attraction.It's something else.
With time I learnt that ; it's because of you and because of people around you.


It was during my first year in med school.
Anatomy dissection hall
21st June 2010
1147a.m

For head and neck,Rakesh sir took the class for D batch.
He is quite young, slightly bald, speak good English, knowledgeable ,smart as well.BUT when he teach,you can't hear his voice especially if you're the last bench student.
51 competitive students that try to sit as near as possible with the teacher will be there.
In Malaysia, majority of us try to sit far to avoid attention of the teachers.There,it was the opposite.
Students wanted to be as near as they can with the teacher.

At times, it's frustrating trying your best to listen,making smart guesses what's he saying so that you can learn something.
At the end of the class,he asked the last bench students.One by one if they can listen what's he's teaching.
Everyone was nodding their head like a chicken despite the fact that they can't hear any shit.
It was my turn and my friend whispered,"Just say that you can't hear."
And I told him.
"Sitting behind is your fault or mine?"Rakesh asked.
That question it self made me realize something.This is not gona end well.

So whenever I went for anatomy oral test which is every 2, 3 days once,the moment he looked at me,he will assume that I'm definitely not gona answer it.
"You don't know right?"
"You're not even listening during class."
"I know you don't know just by looking at your face."
"Stupid."
"Bogus."
At times,he won't even ask me when it's my turn.

That's when I realized about Pygmalion effect.

It's the phenomenon whereby other's expectations of a person affect the  person's performance.
 A corollary of the Pygmalion effect is the golem effect, in which low expectations lead to a decrease in performance; both effects are forms of self-fulfilling prophecy.


When your face remind your coach of his enemy, doesn't matter what you do,he is not going to like you.Like a chain reaction,you won't perform well,he won't appreciate you nor try to make you better.The whole process become unenjoyable.
This notion happens often between houseman and MOs in hospital as well.
From my experience,this doesn't mean that you can't change it.

Eventually Rakesh started to like me.
Without touching their ego or making them look stupid,certain changes would enable them to change their point of view.

Other's perception does affect us but it's not the only reason we are not getting what we want.

The real reason is us.
We get what we expected not what we wanted.
This is the real problem with us that prevent us getting what we want.

Our brain works on the principle of anticipation.
What does it mean?
We constantly predict what we think is likely to happen before it ever occurs.
That interview,that breakup,that viva,asking something from a stranger,a date,in every situation,we will make a prediction at least in a subtle way even before it happen.
We are actually the plot writer of our life.If you know this simple psychology ,you can have a better screenplay of your life.

What we want is different,what we expect is different.
When the gap between expectations and what we want is big,it causes unnecessarily anxiety,fear and depression.

I wanted my viva to went well but deep inside somehow I expected that it won't be smooth.

I loved her but deep inside I expected that she's going to betray me.
We act and feel in a way that helps us prepare for what we think is going to happen.

We use our past experiences for the prediction.
The reason is,when we think about future,the same part of the brain gets activated as when we think about the past.

What's holding us isn't the past.
It's the belief that thing not going to be better.


If you're reading this, you're in deep shit, depressed, suicidal,ask your self this question.
"Can you see the light at the end of the tunnel?"
When?How?Can you?
Most of the time,we never even have an idea of it.
It is because we want to be happy,stress free but we never even expect it deep inside .If you expect such lights,you should know how to fix it .You would for sure.
Small positive anticipation and expectations change everything.
It's just that we never do that during hard time.

If you're expecting good thing, and you want the same, somehow we going to act in a way as per our expectations.
Its automatic .
If you want a good life but expecting tommorow going to be a hard day to deal with,you going to attract that hard day because that's how the whole anticipation and it's rewarding system of our brain works.

Even if opportunity to feel blessed is there,you can't make use of it because your expectations is bad.You already prepared for a bad day.

To change this,match your expectations and what you want.
Align them in a positive way.


I always wanted to be huge but deep inside I expected that it's not possible because of my genetic,small frame and bones.
What if I expect differently?
Let's give a try.

Sickle Cell Disease

Why does it's painful in SCD
Pain is the hallmark of a SCD, arising as sickle cells impede blood flow.
Red cells are approximately 8 micro metre wide.Their size and shape enable them to squeeze through capillaries which normally only minimal anisocytosis(variation in size) and poikilocytosis(variation in shape) can passes.Anything abnormal, it will fail to negotiate tight capillaries.

Causes of painful fingers in SCD?
Dactylitis which means is inflammation of an entire digit (a finger or toe) .Often active finger will undergoes the swelling and it's painful.
It is a common early manifestation and the reason is same as the cause of the pain.

Reason of abdominal pain in SCD
The cause of abdominal pain often associated with splenic sequestration and is also common.
Splenic sequestration happens when a lot of sickled red blood cells become trapped in the spleen. The spleen can enlarge, get damaged, and not work as it should.
Severe form causes autosplenectomy (disease damages the spleen to such an extent that it becomes shrunken and non-functional) but in milder forms,it causes splenic sequestration.

People who remove their spleen should be vaccinated against pneumococcal ,meningococcal and haemophilus.This is because infection by encapsulated bacteria tend to happens due to splenic's decreased ability to clear circulating antigen.

Safe Way of Scuba Diving

During ascent phase of a dive, the gas in the diver's lung expands due to the decreasing pressure.
The diver must therefore ascend slowly and breathe regularly.
If ascent is rapid or the diver holds his breath,the expanding gas may cause lung rupture (pulmonary barotrauma).

Abdominal Lump

The peritoneum is the serous membrane forming the lining of the abdominal .The outer layer is the parietal while within peritoneum is intra abdominal.

Intra peritoneal means within peritoneum while retro means behind the peritoneum.

PARIETAL VS INTRA- ABDOMINAL
-Can be ascertain by either head rising or leg rising test.

When you lift your head and shoulders,if the swelling disappears or become less prominent,then the swelling inside the abdomen (Intra abdominal).

If the swelling becomes more prominent or remain the same then it's parietal.

For lower abdominal swelling,lying on bed and lifting both the legs bring the same interpretation as head rising test.


INTRA-PERITONEAL OR RETROPERITONEAL

Do a knee elbow position .
If the lump disappears or become less prominent,then its retroperitoneal.If swelling becomes more prominent or remains the same, it's intra-peritoneal.

Overcoming Pain

Yesterday,I was having a conversation with my mum.It was actually an unnecessary topic that she started from no where.That 'what if' kinda topic most mother had in them.
What if you're wife do this and how would you react?
It's always seems annoying when she started such topics.I don't even in a relationship with anyone in the first place.
I don't pick a side because unlike everyone, I'm not that kind of son that fond of mother.It wasn't my mistake purely.A part from childhood dramas,that's her way.

I have never even hugged her,sleep on her lap nor hold her hand for more than a couple of seconds.
Maybe it happened when I was a baby but I can't recall such incidence from the age of realizing what's happening around.
Sometime I wished she could be different or I could be different but changing the whole thing isn't possible anymore.
She said something that made me took a pause to reflect on my thoughts.
"When you're in my house,your wife..."
I felt, I'm doing everything, earning, creating business, postponed my medical posting for her sake.Maybe I can't feel such a love towards anyone,even her but the responsibilities is always mine.That's how I framed my mind.
She could said,"When you're in our house..."
After all, I'm gona get a house not for me,It was for her..
This reminded me of my ex's words replying me once.
"It's not we, it's you and me."
Seeing as us and seeing as you and I, seeing as we and seeing as me is not just a relationship issue.
It's a leadership quality I learnt.

Most of the time I realized, this pain of heartache is unbearable.It feels hard.You can't eat,you can't sleep ,you barely living while you're still breathing.
It's a super extremely undesirable feelings but if you went through it and survived, nothing could break you anymore.
The problem is, psychological pain is equally painful as physiological pain in our mind.So it's not just a mind thing that we can change in a day by altering our mindset and perception.

Most of the time, whenever we want to achieve something,it started in our mind.Maybe as an idea,a thought, positive belief.
Action speaks louder than words but words are more important than action.Words are the initiator.Action is a reaction to a creation.
Don't believe me?
While you're reading this,say your name in your mind?
Pallavi?
Can you listen it?
Yes of course but we know our vocal cord doesn't vibrate,no sound energy was produced as we know that we can listen to a sound because of the vibration that converted into sound but how you heard your name in your mind?
That sound,that words, it's more important  than action.
In term  of heartache and breakup,this technique doesn't applicable honestly.
You need to do the reverse.
Positive thinking will never helps. Only positive action helps.
That action slowly create an illusion  that you can actually change your current state.
Be it pain, addiction or bad habits,you can't change them by stopping them.You have to replace the existing with something new.


Changing pain into laughter isn't possible at all unless you're in a new relationship but remember,if you don't heal your past wound before you go to someone,you will cause pain in them.That shortcut isn't the best option.
Pain should be corrected with a pain before you become happy for real.

Pain-->pain-->Best of you.
Let's go deeper.

Heartbreaking pain(negative pain)
        |
Self building pain (positive pain)
       |
Make you stronger,create a sense of belief that you can go through it which eventually you can.(time is the denominator)
     |
The past memories is there but it won't control your life anymore.

We can't forget anything but we will learn to live totally fine with the past.
It wont be erased but the intensity will fade with time.
When you can laugh and talk about it with your friends, that's when you're fully recovered.

Current pain is like a coke in a glass.
You can't pour it out to correct everything.
You should replace them with water until you can't see the coke inside the glass anymore.The black water will change into white with time.
That emptiness will leads to more pain and destructive habits.
Alcohol, smoking and drugs during heartache is the seed and water of the pain.It looks like a solution for short term.
You can sleep at night,you can cope up and go through your day but long term,it makes things worse.

And if you're having all of them like me once, that's a terrible state to be,trust me.

Meditation,gym,talk with someone doesn't help me at all.I was doing everything yet destructive .I workout,I meditate ,I talked with friends but the pain remains.
That's when I bring that positive pain.
I forced myself to eat things without sugar and salt,when I meditate, I meditate under cold shower.Every morning and night even during winter,I only take a cold shower.I changed all my workout sets to pattern and drop superset which was very painful and exhausting.
I punch the punching bag until my skins on my knuckles torn and yet I do push ups with knuckles just after the punching session.
Each time when I punch that bag,I imagine my ex,her friends and everything that cause this pain to me.

I realized something, it's not just activities, I have been doing them even before but this time,the intensity,the new challenges that I brought into action and the main thing, I replaced the negative pain with constructive pain but if you notice it,I wasn't mourning, I was in rage.
Rage is one of the best feeling that I ever experienced.
Pain can drain you or fuel you but in order to make the pain to fuel you,you need to change that heartbreaking pain into rage.
From negative energy it shifted into positive energy.
Along with progress and compounding effect, things will be different.

It wont happen in a day.
This notion that things will change in 21 days was first create by a plastic surgeon.He notice that even after surgeries,the patient still unhappy with their new look.Their old negative perception of themselves took 21days to change.To completely change and adapt their new look and believe that they're looking good,it takes 66 days.
So as I mentioned in the formula,time is the denominator in this situation.

Don't see it as 66 days,focus today.This 24hours,one step at a time,step by step.
Utilize this 24hours,plan and execute the second better version of you.

Still feeling hard? Can't get rid of their thoughts?I know that feeling.There's a secret that anyone can apply to get rid of that thoughts.Will share in my next post.